When Infidelity Creeps in Marriage

How? How could we ever continue to love when such things creep into our marriage, like infidelity? What if it did come in the marriage, how then could we ever move forward when these thoughts keep coming back trying to stop us women of God from loving the way Christ tells us to love?

Is it possible for intimacy to bond without the thought of “is my spouse seeing me or someone else?”

Is it even possible to forgive and forget? Or should we even forget? How can I serve my marriage in a way that honors Christ, yet, hold onto this pain and hurt?

We have so many questions as women of God. Women who have been in this place and in deep sorrow and hurt. Women who fear the Lord with such great adorance and reverence. We wonder if it’s even possible to move forward and for our marriage to heal and thrive. It can be so hard to see past the hurt, to heal in it. Though it may be hard, it is possible with the Lord. We cannot heal on our own. We cannot move forward on our own. It has to be done in and with Christ. Doing it without Christ is only being done in our own strength, which we will eventually become discouraged and filled with bitterness, resentful, and frustrated, and lacking Christ’s love.

This blog post is not an easy one to write, but I must obey and heed the Lord. It wasn’t because I wanted to bring shame on myself or anyone one person or condemnation, but to bring hope to the sister in Christ who is walking this similar path. She wants healing. She wants love. She wants Christ in it, yet, she is hanging on so tightly to the pain and hurt because it’s her comfort. She wants to be free, whole, and healed. She wants to be the woman who walks in Jesus’ way, in both love and correction, humility and grace, mercy and compassion.

I want this post to bring encouragement, hope in the midst of heartbrokenness, all leading her to her Savior Jesus Christ. To shine the love and light and healing of Jesus and freedom from her despaired moments while taking every thought captive to take it to Christ.

It is not to bring honor to her own name, to exalt herself, boast of herself to proclaim as if she is holier than thou. It is not of bashing, shaming, or gossiping of her spouse, but of honesty, vulnerability, and of hope. To help the woman of God seek His face continually and to delight in the healing and comfort He has for her while walking such hard places in life.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

There is a root problem. In every one of us. Whether we know it or not. And each external action done is a root that lingers and if that root doesn’t bear the fruit of Christ, it must be severed. External actions always point to the inward heart. Much like words that come out of the mouth is a reflection of the heart, our actions show which roots are deep in the soil of our hearts.

If you are one of the women who have seen, or are currently walking such a place, I want you to know this. God is with you. Because God is within us, and sees us, He knows everything and that is wonderful because we do not have to worry nor fear of the future. Our future and our hope is in Jesus. But it can very much be possible to have such sorrow, grief, and joy at the same time.

You may not have seen this coming. You may be thinking, “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Well we never do. We never sign up for heartaches, disappointments, setbacks, detours, pain, hardships. But I can say this to you my dear sister in Christ, in these places, God can use them for our good and His glory. Yes you read that right. Everything done, everything we face, is done for our good and His glory. Everything we go through has to have His yes! And it’s all to refine our character, mold our attitudes, reshape our minds and sharpen our thinking on thinking of whatever is true, noble,. honorable, praiseworthy and trustworthy, Philippians 4:8.

If you have ever walked such a season of betrayal from a loved one.
From infedility in marriage.
Broken trust in a relationship.
Then you know this blog post hits a bit differently. But let’s keep walking through this, with GOD. Not our own. We could never get through this on our own. Going through such a hard painful season without Christ is like a fish without water. Slowly grasping for air only to not catch the breath.

God promises and reassures us children of God, us daughters of God, over and over again to Take Heart. It isn’t to brush things off as if it doesn’t bother us, but rather, to surrender it all to God. Holding His hand knowing He is the Father who sees and knows it all. Who collects our tears and who binds our wounds in the brokenness. Now what I am about to continue writing on, I ask that you take this to the Lord. Be in much prayer and meditation on His Word. Don’t dwell on what could have been but dwell on who God is (His character and attributes), what He has done in the past (His faithfulness) and what He said He will do in the upcoming days ahead. The reassurance that He is near. If we keep dwelling on the “it could have been,” the enemy has us right where he wants us. Dwelling on what we wanted changed rather than trusting in God for the change happening in us. The growth. The deeper reverence and fear of Abba Father.

Some may agree with what I share while some may not. And that is okay! I am only writing and sharing from my own personal walk with the Lord and how He has been bringing me through it, teaching me in it. Now let’s move forward.

Grace.

That word hit differently.

Mercy.

That word hit hard.

Forgive.

Now that was… okay Lord. I hear you.

Love Him Well.

We can quickly find ourselves thinking we have every right to be furious, angry, and resentful. I mean we have the right to be, right? Well not necessarily. We can rightfully be in righteous anger, meaning the just anger of wanting wrong to be made right, but it does not give us the leeway to hold a grudge, be resentful, nor be bitter. These are open doors for the enemy to wreck havoc in our own lives, giving him the foothold. We are to love them as God loves us. To walk in love as He is love. We must ask the Lord to show us how to do this, and He will show it.

My heart began to weep. My eyes in fury and in sorrow. Heartache and in grief. We can quickly become in a tangled mess. It’s hard. Hard to love through this when images of what you saw replay over and over and over again. You have thoughts of, “well how long has it been going on for? Was I just another person to them? Am I who they see or the views of who they saw?”

Grief hurts. It’s a hole that needs to be filled and replaced with Jesus’ healing touch. Grief isn’t just losing someone you love, or a death of a human being. Grief is weeping over what was, and sitting with the Father on, “okay Lord, what will it be now from here on out?”

Sister, I can see your hurt. I can feel your pain. I can sense your trust broken. But can I tell you something?

Jesus knows it all too. He was rejected. He was betrayed. He sat at the same table with the betrayer for goodness sake. And here Jesus is. Who bends down to our need and cares. We can “cast all our cares upon Him because He cares for us.” 1Peter 5:7

We can trust God. We can trust God in the pain and hard place because when we trust Him, He gives perfect peace in the midst of all this, Isaiah 26:3. He doesn’t leave us in it alone, He walks with us in it.

On this long drive, I had no actual words coming out of my mouth, but it was like my heart and mind were sharing with the Father all that I felt, thought, and needed. Needing His comfort and healing. His restoration.

Walking these places can either make us bitter or make us better. We cannot look at the other party with resentment because what this does is place a wall between a covenant of one and begins to separate into two. We did not get married alone, we married into unison. Two becoming one. It is no longer I but we. How can we get through this. How can we get past this. How can we…

And then there is the, how can I heal from this Lord. How can I love them well as you say? How can I leave this in your hands and trust that you take care of me. How can I show them you in this?

We don’t diminish what has been done isn’t wrong. It is. And it’s sinful. God calls it sin. It’s a sinful passion desire of lust. Pleasing the flesh rather than stopping the feed on the flesh. They may not know it. Or they may. I can’t tell you this. But i can say that God himself can awaken the mind and heart showing them this is a sinful act and can wreck havoc in marriages. It opens a door to demonic strongholds and if not careful, we can easily fall to the trap as prey. Because we know, the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy, he seeks to devour. He wants no good marriage to thrive or pass this hurdle with the love of Jesus.

This walk is hard. It’s narrow. It isn’t easy. If it were, the whole world would follow. But nobody discusses this because nobody understands this walk. And that is crazy to think. When God told me, “if you’re not being attacked, then you’re walking the wrong way.”

And it couldn’t be more true. The enemy doesn’t mess with those who are already walking his path. He goes after the ones who are walking in the right path, just ready to make you fall and give up and walk his road, not Christ’s road.

So the way to get through this. The way to overcome this is only done in and by and through Jesus. We come to Jesus and weep. We come to Jesus and share with Him everything, holding nothing back. We ask him to show us how to navigate this season. We ask Him to give us direction because its only He that can give us direction, clarity, wisdom and understanding.

We are to forgive quickly. If we don’t forgive immediately we will find an offense on almost everything they say and do while holding a grudge, turning to resentment and then bitterness. God does not want this for us. He wants us free from this bondage place. And if we want Gods forgiveness, and we want to be forgiven from them when we do wrong, how can we not release the offender and offense made? How gracious of a Father we have to forgive us of our own baggage and dirt, removing them completely. What a Father we have who when He forgives, He remembers them no more, Hebrews 8:12.

We are to love them well as Christ loves them. Loving them isn’t feeling based on only when you feel like it, but when you least feel to love them, or its deserving of them to have it, its pressing through it despite the feelings. We love them well as Christ loves the bride while also calling out the sin. Yes we must call it out with both truth and grace as Jesus does. He called them, called out their sin from darkness and into light as He is Light, and said, now go and sin no more. Now we can’t say these exact words like “okay don’t sin anymore mmmmkay,” because ultimately they have a choice as we, but instead, we can communicate.

We talk with one another about how this hurt our marriage, how it breaks the covenant that God wants sacred. We can discuss on the matters of where we stand with one another in a gentle and kind way never in a harsh condemning way because this isn’t of Christ.

We are to remain in Christ. No matter the hard. We have committed our life to Christ and it’s in Christ that we can only get through such hardships.

And we must always remember, everything good in us isnt because of us, but because of HIM in us.

So yes, it is wrongful to have lustful thoughts and infidelity in marriage. Yes it can break a covenant. But also yes GOD CAN redeem and restore in how He chooses. We are to remain in Christ and remain in pureness, meaning, never wanting to pay back evil for evil but being pure in Christ. We are to remain faithful even when and if the other party may not be because to be honest, we cannot save them. Only Christ can. We cannot change their hearts or decisions. Only Christ can. What we must do is love them well, remain in Christ, abide in Christ, continue to build our relationship in Christ, working out our own salvation in Christ with fear and trembling while also learning to stay constant in humbleness, patience, and being still.

It isn’t giving up but moreso trusting in the One who is Sovereign. Who is in control of all things. When we begin to grasp this and truly believe it, we then become free from the worries and anxieties of thinking and dwelling on, “well what if they are____,” and instead say, “Lord, you see all things. You are El Roi, the God who sees, you are Jehovah Shammah, the God who is there, you are my great Defender and defend me from such case. I will trust in you and believe in who you are and what your Word says, despite what I see.”

Yes it will hurt. Yes it is wrongful. Sometimes they won’t apologize or even fix their actions. Sometimes they won’t admit it was bad but that there was no wrong in it. They may even try to point the blame game or say, it was nothing, only because they don’t yet have the conscious and sting of conviction yet. And only because they are blind and need the help of our Savior Jesus Christ. It is ONLY by Jesus Christ who can open up their eyes to see the wrong and granting them a heart of repentance.

So sister, as you await for the restoration to happen, while being healed in the unseen places and in the hard hurting places, while being still and remaining in Christ, even if the world says your crazy, continue to be obedient to the Lord. We cannot save them but we can trust in the Sovereign one and pray for God to grant them a heart of repentance. To show them where they stand with Him. To open up their eyes and see the wrong that was done was and is sinful actions in need of HIS purification and forgiveness. To show them the roots of why this happened and to sever those roots and seal it with the blood of the lamb. We ask for God to be patient for them but to also restore what the locust has ate. Why do we pray this? Because He is faithful. So Faithful and He is Just. A God of Justice who wants no wrongs to get away but to be made right in His timing.

Hold onto hope dear friend. To Jesus. He is the one that can get you through these times. Trust may have been broken, that is something they must respect and know it must be earned once again. But it should never allow it to bitter us.

I don’t know about you but I want to walk in the way Jesus did. And that includes forgiving the unforgivable. That means forgetting the offense and releasing into His hands knowing He is for me and with me. This also means to love him well as Christ loves me. Because love always wins.

It’s choosing to stay when your flesh says leave.

It’s choosing to love, to forgive, to mend when the world tells you to pay back and be rightful of staying in anger.

It’s choosing Jesus over and over and over again. No matter what, and trusting in Him in everything you feel, face, endure through and persevere in. It’s choosing the right way, His Way, over our own.

What I learned was to not expect my spouse to be my god. Only God can be God in my life. What I mean here is we tend to put our marriage and our spouse on a pedestal where only God is meant to sit. We tend to put our marriage and spouse on the throne of our hearts when it should be God first, then our marriage. Doing this brings exhaustion to us, to our spouse for trying to be perfect and infallible to us, while neglecting the beauty and growth of marriage. We can’t expect them to be perfect. Because this brings false expectations to our marriage only to leave us empty and disappointed. They are not our Savior and we are not theirs. We are to bring our marriage under the One, Abba Father. I’m not saying to cover up or excuse behaviors. I am saying to release them and our marriages to God while not casting stones or trying to remove the speck in their eye when we have a plank in ours. If this makes any sense.

I know these places hurt. And it sometimes feels you may not be able to get through it. But you will. With Christ. One day, one breath, one prayer, each moment of each day given, with Christ and Christ alone. It’s in the surrender, in the waiting, in the trusting, in the submitting to YWHW where we become strengthened by his might and his power in our weakness. It is His beauty that comes from ashes and His providential care when we need it the most. He shows us more of who He is and He becomes the anchor in this storm that we walk through. He becomes our strong tower in this place and when we run to Him, we are safe.

It is possible dear sister in Christ to get through this. And it is possible to have a cleared mindset. It is possible to be free from the images and continued playbacks of what you saw. Only by Jesus Christ and us dwelling in His presence and Word. When we write His Word on our hearts, it overwrites what the enemy tries to bring for evil and Gods Word becomes the sword, piercing through to bring light in such places.

We pray, as women of God, not to change the matter we are in but to change the hearts that are in this. All to reflect Yeshua. Because that my dear sisters, is whom we are called to be. Reflecting and mirroring the Savior who came to save sinners and prodigals, bringing the lost home and welcoming them when they truly see the sins as they are, deadly and poisonous to their soul. In desperate need of the Savior themselves, ready to call upon His name and be saved, renewed, refreshed and a life fully committed to our Lord and Savior.

With much love sister in Christ
Nicole