When God Called Me To The Deep Waters

I enjoyed my church. I enjoyed the worship songs and playlist. I enjoyed being surrounded by people.

People are my thing.

Community is my thing.

It all happened when I first moved to my city. I was lost, lonely, broken hearted, wanting love and success, friendships and laughter in my life. It was my daughter and I who moved to this place to begin a new chapter I thought would occur. It never did plan out how I thought.

I stumbled across this church, I vividly remember being “lost” on the loop only to see a HUGE banner reading “VBS-Vocational Bible School.” It read the dates too. It caught my attention. I wanted my little girl to attend and make friends. I wanted her to have fun in this new place we were in.

I was invited by someone to attend this event with her, and so I did. I said sure! We walked our kids in and there you have it. Kids all over the place. Adults smiling non-stop. A scenery of community.

It was neat to see. I admit though, I was a bit skeptical leaving my child there for two hours. I had no idea what to do with myself or even if it was a great idea. But I did. She was so excited to see others her age and many games and shows being hosted. It put me a little at ease seeing how loving and caring they were to the kids, but also teaching about Jesus in the most funniest loving, teachable way. I hardly knew about Jesus, only minor things of what I heard my grandparents say.

Church. That is how it began for me accidentally, in a Godcidence, way. It was no accident I stumbled across that church. It was no accident it caught my attention. It was no accident I was lost on the loop to see the banner stick out louder and bolder than the Logans right next to it. It wasn’t an accident, it was Godcidence.

I began attending church regularly every Sunday to hear the message and get my soul filled. I loved every bit of the church. I began to serve in the community, beginning to open myself up. I can honestly tell you, my joy cup overflowed serving others. Until I got too comfortable. That is when things shifted for me.

Years passed and my husband and I had been called out of our city to another city. A city that was six and a half hours away from our home. I absolutely dreaded it. I wanted my home and church back. So I searched online for a church to attend to. We found a church we loved and we began to attend regularly.

I served in the kids ministry and began attending mom groups. It was a very fulfilling place in the moment. I was still lost, brokenhearted and a mess of a life as a mom and wife. So that really was something I needed. They helped me grow though, more into motherhood and wife-hood. Learning how to become a better wife, mother, and daughter of the King. I could see myself here for a few years…..

Until we moved back home a year later.

We tried to pick right back up where we left off and it didn’t work out so well. We tried and tried. I pushed and pushed. Basically I forced it but it would come back only to hit me stronger than a brick wall. We tried a different church and I felt very unsettled. We tried another and my spirit just wasn’t aligning right.

“is there something wrong with me? what is happening?”

“God why? Aren’t we suppose to attend church? Aren’t we suppose to be surrounded by other believers? Why can’t we attend a church? Or find a church?”

For a while I had the excuse of my little ones. Two of my littles didn’t want to be alone away from mommy or daddy. We would try our hardest to drop them off to their classes, encourage them and even pray over them. It never worked well. Anyone else relate? It was a struggle. I would try so hard to listen to the message and it would only be, give or take, 15 minutes into the sermon only to be called to pick up my kids.

WHAT? I cant even hear the message correctly, pieces I’d miss, because now my kids are with me and they are frantically crying, making loud noise, with people looking back at me with faces saying “please take your child back I cant hear anything” with NO SMILE on their face.

I felt judged horribly. And it made my heart sink to my stomach. I desperately wanted to attend church. I did. I LOVE CHURCH. I LOVE PEOPLE.

And that right there. Thats when it dawned on me and what he shared with me.

I LOVED church, and would only go to the church building, for people, but my heart wasn’t aligning right with receiving the Word spoken.

It was no longer my season for that.

AND THAT is when he took me out of church to be connected more into Him. A one on one with just me and him.

I don’t know about you but being one on one with a friend is very beautiful. You have their attention, no distractions from other people, you have the intentional time with one another. Secrets that a whole crowd can’t hear, you actually get to hear each others voice clearer, the bond that strengthens as you pray and pour out what’s on the heart, you dream together, you build life together, you become best friends.

And this…. this is how it was. He became my very best friend in all of this.

It was the most exhausting, overwhelming, hurting, lonely, disappointing, experience. I wanted people. I wanted to surround myself with others. I hated being alone. And thats when he showed me it was time for me to be alone to solely focus on Him not others. I don’t have to worry about people making faces and me trying to impress them. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I can be a disciple of Christ. I don’t have to measure up to others or feel I have to put on this “perfect” face, attitude, and mentality as if I have it all together, because quite frankly I don’t. Spoiler Alert, I don’t think anyone does. And if thats you, I’d like to meet you and girl you can tell me all about it!

Instead this is a heart operation that needed to be done. It was time to have the Pharisee look be brought down and get operated on a more deeper intimate level that doesn’t really happen in the church.

Can I be honest here? I wanted to give up. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to be alone. But alone was the best decision I made because he taught me more than what I received in church. He showed me how to rely on him, depend on him, trust him, have faith in him, be deeply rooted in him, ground myself in him, immerse myself in the Word, to seek him more than myself, to have more of him and less of me, he taught me how to read the word, learn the word, and love the word. (the main reason why that line is our theme here).

Not only did he show me that, he helped my family grow in exponential ways. He revealed to me my heart and where things needed to be laid down at his feet. He showed his love in immeasurable ways. I felt his presence more mightier and heavier. I smelled his aroma. I experienced many many things. And if it wasn’t for him to take me out of church to grow me, prune me, operate on me, I probably still would have been stuck.

Jesus. So sweet. So gentle. So loving. So forgiving and compelling. He pressed more into me so that I can press more into him. Pressing, that is my new favorite word now that I know what pressing into Jesus actually looks like and feels like.

It was a season of new wine being made.

Never in my mind did I think God would take me out of church. In fact, never did I think I could grow more that way.

But all in that, one year at that, he exposed my heart and showed what needed to be removed. He pruned. He pressed in. He showed himself to me.

Now please don’t get this message and twist it up saying we don’t need church because this is not what he was showing me. Instead this message, from what he was showing me, was that I relied more on men (people) rather than him. I would run to people first rather than God. I cared more about my relationships with people than my relationship with my Father. I had to see that I only needed Jesus to fill my cup up, not people or community. Community, and people, are to point us to Christ, not Christ be replaced.

I had to lose myself and die to myself to gain more of Christ. I had to be released from what was holding me back from growing and maturing more in Christ.

Sometimes the very thing we think we need is the actual thing holding us back from abiding in Christ.

nicole

It was a rough road to be on. It wasn’t easy. I was asked tons of questions as to why and I never knew the why until I walked to the end of the journey walking into a new one. It was then, I was able to reflect back on and see, see the refining process that was done.

Friend, if God were to tell you to step back from church, how would you react?

If he were to tell you to let go of the very thing that is hindering you and blocking you from coming closer to Christ, how would you feel that the “thing” will no longer be there?

God knows sweet friend, how hungry you are for him. And he will surely fill you up, just sit with him and let him lead your heart more towards him.

We sometimes cannot see right away what he is doing, we simply have to obey, trust and follow where he leads because he always leads to the better destination.

To have more of Christ and less of ourselves, is the exact place and wanting we need!

You will never know the fullness of Christ until you know the emptiness of everything else but Christ.

charles spurgeon

With all my love sweet friend and until next time,
Nicole.