Trusting God in the Medically Necessary

On October 2, 2023, i wrote this very late in the night. Something that was weighing heavily on my heart. A walk, a journey, that feels so alone, yet, isn’t.

As i sit here, with my bible cracked open to Colossians, a cup of jade citrus mint tea,  baby monitor in view, i can’t help but feel the burning yearning to cry some more. 

For the past two years i have held my family together through the deep terrains we walked. But this time, i feel little strength. I see my husband caring for me and us all through this medical journey. 

Why must we face this journey? What must we endure in now to get to the destination? 

I wonder if other medical mamas feel the same? Maybe mamas in general. 

I cried extensively today as i was headed to the pharmacy. Feeling shame for having my son to take medicine i desperately was asking God to heal him in. 

Did he hear? Did he leave? Where are you God? 

He is near. He is close. He is here. These feelings sure can override having me to think otherwise. 

With snotty nose and running tears falling down my cheeks, there i am pulling up at the pharmacy window to pick up a prescription my sons dr said is absolutely needed. For 3 days i fought in prayer. 

For 3 days i cried in prayer.

For 3 days i continued to say, “if its your will Father.”

For 3 days, i pleaded.

For 3 days i declared.

For 3 days i spoke the Word of God over his tiny growing but mighty body.

For 3 days i kept asking God, why God. What am i not seeing? 

And in those 3 days… on the third day, Sunday in fact, revelation began to be revealed. 

Though i wish and hoped and prayed all of this to go away… it is just another fiery trial i must persevere and endure through.

I would think i could do it, that it would be nothing after overcoming the pregnancy diagnosis and the NICU stay. But that isn’t so. For some reason it didn’t come that easy this time around. 

Last time i had very few friends who kept speaking truth and helping me through the battles. 

This time… i have no friends to help but God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

I believe this is where He wants me. Once again. Walking a battle alone with Him.

I think so often we as Christians tend to rely and run to friends first before running to God. We find ourselves wanting them to be our backbone when really, they were not meant to be. Seasons of battle friends. Seasons of friendly friends. Seasons of encouraging friends. Seasons of prayerful friends. Another topic for another day.

As the lady at the window saw my snotty nose and running tears falling down my cheeks, her voice softened, her face changed. It was as if she saw this mama hurting picking up a prescription only to extend her soft gentle voice and the pharmacist, coming to the window only to see me this way too. Broken. Hurting. In this agony pain… He also softened his voice asking if i had any more questions. 

Embarrassed is not even a word i could describe how i felt, showing up at the window. But i could hang on to it no more. I was hurting. Mamas never want to see their babies in pain. We feel helpless. We want to quickly take it away. Any suffering. Any sting. Any broken thing because us as mamas, it’s a natural tendency to want to do this.

Hopeless was one word that comes to mind. But as i drove away, parked for a second to write something on instagram with tears in my eyes… i had to rebuke it. I wasn’t hopeless.. though the enemy wanted me to feel that way because i was being vulnerable to God, i knew i was not hopeless. My hope is anchored in the One. Jesus. 

He always has been, and always will be the One i need in my everyday life. 

“Father, does it hurt you to see me hurting?” It’s one question i asked him on the road while driving back home. 

Parked at a red light, i saw someone looking at me as i was crying uncontrollably. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care who saw me. I was having a serious moment with God and that’s all i needed. 

“No God. You don’t delight in seeing us suffer. No you don’t delight in seeing us walk these places. No you don’t delight in these things Lord, but they are necessary for certain reasons that only you know. And i know its to make me more like Christ. And so for that i will still carry joy with me.”

Today was heart wrenching, heart breaking as i tried, and desperately wanted to reach out to someone since Friday. Actually, i did. But then there were crickets. And that’s okay. Because God needed me to vent to Him. No one else.

And it wasn’t that i never did. I sure did. But this medical walk was a lot to bear and it held tight to my shoulders. And here Jesus was.. saying… “come to me. Bring it to me. Let me take this load off your shoulders and let me carry it for you. Hold my hand. Let me lead you to the destination.”

Medical roads are often scary. But as i sensed fear trying to sneak in, i knew the enemy was trying to slither his way again. 

When worry was starting to make home in my mind, i knew where it was coming from. 

“No Lord, i do trust you and will continue to trust you. No matter what i see. Though i am hurting and crying.. you never tell me to stop and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Rather, you say blessed are those who weep, blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall be comforted and the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

Even though we walk this trench, this medical trench that we know so little about, knowing i disliked this road very much, knowing medicines i dislike as i am all for natural remedies, i know His hand his upon us. It always has been and always will be.

Though i walk this valley that i dislike, i choose joy despite the odds we face. I choose to keep my view upon Jesus.

Though this valley i would not have chosen myself, i choose to be obedient and walk in Jesus, because that is the goal, to be like Jesus, and less of ourselves. 

“Do in my Lord only what you can do. Give me strength to endure it and redeem the pain i feel through it all. Use this message and all walks of our life to glorify your name and may each message shared bring hope light and salvation to those in need of it. I trust you. I love you. Deeply and immensely. I never want a day to go on without you. To God be the glory forever and ever.” 

MEET THE AUTHOR

Nicole is a devoted follower of Christ, wife to Leroy in whom they have 6 beautiful children, four daughters and twin miracle boys. She loves the sounds of nature, her sweet Texas living, all things gardening, and making friends. She loves to help other women know the love of Christ and become the deeply rooted woman in Christ who walks in His ways through all that she faces. You can find her through instagram @lifewiththismom.