To the Woman Who Feels Spiritually Alone in the Marriage

If I could sit down with a cup of coffee or warm tea, sitting on our couch with the view of the sunrise peeking through, I would. I would sit with you listening to your heart while sharing with you mine. I would point you to Jesus and help you stay the course with Jesus, to run your race well. Encouraging you to not give up but rather, to give in to the Lord, holding fast to the hem of His garment.

And that my beloved sister, is what this post is going to be on. Viewing this post as two sisters in Christ who are sitting together, fellowshipping with one another, praying for one another, exhorting one another to Christ, and to show you what Christ has taught me, humbled me in fact, in my marriage.

My hope and prayer for this blog post is to not let you walk away feeling discouraged but to walk away from reading this post deeply encouraged in the Lord. Reminding you of who you are and showing you Jesus being at work in this spiritual lonely place.

Who is this blog post for?

It is for the wife who feels alone in her spiritual journey with the Lord.
For the wife who longs to see her husband come to the Lord.
To the wife who has an unequally yoked marriage.
To the wife who feels estranged from their husband and longing for more.
To the wife who is holding onto expectations in her marriage and husband of what she thought it would be like…
To the wife who needs encouragement in her marriage and in her life right now.

This blog post is not for….

Bashing, shaming or condemning our spouse.
It is not for the gossiper or the whisperer.
It is not for the “let me preach at him,” kind of post.
This piece does not speak of abuse because this is another writing piece (from past personal experiences) to write on.
It even isn’t for “I am better than he” because to be honest, this is pride arrogant thinking and if we want to win our husbands over to the Lord, this will not work.

This post is to encourage the wife in her calling and duty unto the Lord, being faithful with her first love (Yeshua!), and to work out her own salvation with fear and trembling. It is for the wife who wants, desires, and chooses to see the good even when it seems impossible to do so. She desires to wanting to be like Jesus even when it feels like her world is falling apart.

So beloved sister in Christ, are you ready to sit down with me, with your hot cup of tea or coffee in hand as we chat a while, to be encouraged in your discouragement and letting go of the false expectations that keep letting you down? Because I am. I am ready to sit and encourage you, even give you hugs and a tissue, knowing you are seen, known, and loved.

I am writing this from my own personal walk, convictions, teaching, encouraging and love from the Father to help other women know they are not alone in theirs.

“Loving him well is choosing to stay when everyone says to leave.”

One very early morning I sat at the counter and those very words pierced my heart as I was immersing in the Word of God. The very wise words from the Father spoken in my spirit. 

We seek advice, we seek counsel, we contemplate on our thoughts, only to be convicted from the Father and seeing this actually is a very good thing.

I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to give up. Yet, God struck my heart with His love, compassion, conviction, and mercies.

You probably long to see your husband come to the Lord.
Or you may desire to have your husband be the example of Christ in your home.
You see the unequally yoked marriage and your heart is shattered in pieces wondering if it’ll get any better.
Maybe you are holding onto expectations of what you thought this marriage would be like, only to see it isn’t anything what you thought, wanted, or planned it to be.

News alert sister. It never is our plan that works. It always is HIS plan. We can plan the course, we can plan the way, we can choose to hold onto the expectations, but friend, we must truly lay this down at the alter, laying it at the feet of Jesus.

Sister, may these words of Scripture bring hope to your heart today: 

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” 1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭

In an unequally yoked marriage, or in a case of not having a spouse to lead the home in a Christlike manner, we can easily fall to the trap of wanting to “fix” our husbands. If we happen to find ourselves in this place, we are in danger and must quickly come to the Lord in repentance. We are to be their helper, not their destroyer. Each time we preach at them, we are lowering the manhood in them, who God created them to be.

Scripture tells us wives we are to be submissive to our husbands. We don’t preach at our husbands, rather, we love them as Christ loves us. We don’t fix our husbands, it isn’t our job to fix anyone for that matter, it’s by the power of the Holy Spirit and the granting of the Lord to grant them a heart of repentance. It’s by the spirit of the Lord to open their eyes to seeing the Lord and salvation. But how can this be done if we as wives are not solidly building our life in the Lord? Being in the Word? Daily being transformed inwardly? Daily surrendering and submitting to YWHW? 

We love our husband because He… Jesus, has first loved us. We don’t love because we have to. This is the wrong mentality to have. We love because the love Jesus and Abba Father have for us has been shown and given to us, and because we have tasted that love from the Father, we can then love our spouse in the same way with the Father’s help and the Holy Spirit.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” 1 Corinthians 13:1

The true motive for submission is respect for Jesus Christ. The fear of the Lord, respecting the Lord. When we begin to have this new mindset of what submission looks like and is, we then see our husbands as one in need of our Savior too. He isn’t too far gone. Rather, He is right where God needs Him to be, to come to Him in humility, and in acknowledgment of needing Him. How can someone be saved if they do not even know they need to be saved? At times the Holy Spirit will tell us to be silent when we want to speak, and as beloved daughters of God, we must trust and allow the Lord to be our defender, our protector, and one who sees and knows everything. Words aren’t always the right thing to do, our actions show a lot.

Our actions, submission, respect, and honor, towards our husband speak louder than our words ever could.

Submission in marriage isn’t a rank of superiority but of divineship. Divineship of the Lord.

Our lives and heart should reflect Jesus to our husband, in our home, in our family unit, and the way to show that Christ rules our heart is by being selfless and submissive, loving, forgiving, being tenderhearted and respecting one another.

1 Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from operated adornment,, such as elaborate hairstyles and gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather it should be that if you inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
See also: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 & Proverbs 31

This part may sting a bit but I have to share what the Lord taught me and what He shared with me in the secret place.

It begins with us wives. With deep intimacy in the Lord, heart examinations, and us asking the Lord, “Lord search my heart and know it, if there be anything offensive in me, remove it. Shine your light on it so I may repent of it.” We can, we ought, we shall and we will hide ourselves in the Lord, being in Him, cultivating a heart of deep love for the Lord in the secret place. We build our relationship with Him first, getting to know our Savior in a deep and meaningful way as our bridegroom. Oh how beautiful it is to see him in such a way, and know Him in such a way. When we do, everything changes. Including our view in marriage, our spouse, and others.

We submit to our husbands knowing it has everything to do with honoring and pleasing the Lord, not anything to do with pleasing man. We treat them as we treat the Lord. Not replacing the Lord, not putting them before the Lord, but in honor of the Lord we serve. How we treat our spouse, our marriage, plays a ripple effect on how we treat our Savior. We should, and ought to love, cherish, adore and obey in righteous living, through and in Christ.

I know this very place you are in can hurt. It can feel lonely in this spiritual walk. Maybe you have long desired to have your husband follow the Lord and lead in example and it seems impossible. Though this isn’t wrong to desire this, it should never be above God alone. Desiring God alone. This too can be an idol within our heart, causing these expectations to be met only to see they have become idols within the heart.

Rather than seeking that desire, this should draw us wives to our knees knowing this place is not against flesh and blood but against the dark principalities. The enemy does not want a family unit under Christ’s blood and authority. He does not want a husband to lead his family to the Kingdom of God, leading in righteous living and in love, because the man in the home represents Christs love for His bride and the man in the home changes the family dynamic for the better. He is the protector, the giver, the provider, all reflecting Jesus and Abba Father. So this dear beloved sister, this place should draw your knees to the ground and not into despair and loss hope. When we lose hope it’s because our hope was placed elsewhere, in false expectations, and not in Christ alone.

Friend, our timing is different. God is never in a hurry, nor of slack, He is always on time, even when it feels to us what seems forever. His timing is perfect. A thousand years to God is like a day, He patiently awaits for more to come to Him, not wanting anyone to perish but to have eternal life. (2 Peter 3:8) While we are in the waiting, we keep our eyes gazed upon Christ. Persevering through loving him well, choosing Christ over feelings and serving him well, drawing our knees to humbled submission to YWHW, and placing our hopes in Christ and Christ alone. We pray always for our marriage and spouse, never growing tired or weary from doing so, for blind eyes to be opened and hard hearts to soften. For ears to hearing the gospel and it taking deep root within their hearts. This place is hard, but the fruit that bears from waiting is worth it.

As we await our Saviors return, and in hopes one day to see our spouse come to the Lord, we wait expectantly, eagerly waiting for the Lord, knowing that as we are in the secret place being hidden in the Lord, we continue to build our foundation and relationship in the Lord. We allow our hearts to be changed inwardly and then expressed and shown outwardly. In doing so, we may win our husbands over to the Lord. Every day we abide in Christ and wait patiently upon our Lord, in the now and not yet place, we see we are both growing in the Lord, maturing in the Lord and bearing the fruit of the Lord.

Let us be reminded to walk in grace and in forgiveness just as the Lord has forgiven us and grants us grace and mercies everyday. We are not any higher than they, we are a work in progress too. So when they mess up, because they will as we do, we have grace & forgiveness already at hand. Never hold a grudge towards one another sister, choose to forgive quickly as this will keep the door shut to any leeway for the enemy to creep in your heart. And choose to love him well by humbling yourself and serving him well.

“Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

We must, as women of God, surround ourselves with women who will not gossip about our spouses but rather, point us to Christ. Who know what it is like to walk such place but also who endured through it. One who can help us walk and endure the terrain before us, shining the light of Jesus encouraging us to exhort our spouse rather than tearing them down. And sister, know that you are not alone. Christ knows this walk and He knows every part of our hearts. He is with you and goes before you. He carries you through the waves and storms in life. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Now is the time for some heart searching within, to examine the heart of yours and asking Abba Father to shine His light in any areas that need His conviction and improvement in your life and marriage. And He will sister in Christ. Don’t shy away from places the Lord brings up from past hurts and wounds because its in this place He wants to redeem to restore to you the joy of His salvation, the joy of marriage and the delight of being His beloved bride. We must be healed in every aspect of our past, trauma, and wounds to better serve our husband and others around us. But it must begin with us before we can. May the Lord our God shine us light in the crevices of our hearts to heal every childhood wound, trauma, offense made, bitterness and unforgiveness lurking within, anything that comes between us and Him and our spouse. May we surrender and sit with the Lord in this place.

I love you dear sister in Christ. I pray that you may know, that in this place where you may feel lonely in your marriage, to truly know you are not alone, He is with you. Just as He saw Hannah, Hagar, David, Daniel, Ezekiel, and many others, including His own beloved Son, He sees you too. In this place, seek the Lord first. Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you. Place Jesus first. See Him as your bridegroom, the love that your soul desires. Because that is the truth of the matter. Our spouse cannot fill what only Jesus can fill. Our spouse cannot fill the empty spaces within our hearts, it’s only by Jesus through Jesus and in Jesus that He can. Our spouse is not our Savior and we are not theirs. We must come to the realization that Christ and Christ alone was made for us and us for Him. When we truly grasp the agape love of the Father and the love of Jesus, we then can let the reins go of our false expectations in our spouse and marriage and hold tightly to our Lord and Savior as our husband.

My prayer for you today

“Oh precious beautiful Lord, I come boldly to the throne of grace, with confidence and assurance through your precious son, Jesus asking for your hedge of protection over our marriages. Help us to see one another through your lens Father God, overshadowing us with your presence, love, and divine mercies given. In this place where we find ourselves lonely in our marriages, remind us that we never walk by feelings but with Christ. We ask that you reveal to our hearts acts idols or false expectations we placed in our hearts to be removed and dismantled so we can walk in full assurance in your will Father God. Abba Father, I also ask that you grant us each day new mercies, and may we extend those same mercies you give us to our husbands. Shift our eyes off the place of lonliness and instead walk in unity with You. I believe by faith that you are working everything together for the good, for those of us who love you and who you call according to your plan, that our marriage will reflect the bridegroom of our Lord and Savior. We refute every lie, attack and demonic agenda trying to disrupt our marriage from living a life either of you oh Lord. We come and ask for salvation in our spouse but moreso, we ask for a fear of the Lord to be planted deep within their hearts. Abba Father, we ask you YWHW, that you help us to draw deeper in you, seeking you first and foremost in our lives, deepening our relationship with you in this place, getting our cups and hearts overflowing. As we impartake the divineship of having you Lord, may we reflect this to our spouse in both serving, actions done, and with our words. May our words be sweet as honey who heals the bones, never tearing one another down. We thank you in advance for the good work you do, even in the waiting, in the now and not yet, knowing our full confidence and assurance is in Yeshua! in Jesus name, amen.”

My Favorite Resources

A favorite book that has encouraged me years back, that to this day I still have, folded pages, creases, underlines and tears all in the pages, is called: What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? By Linda Dillow. This book was an eye opener and began the healing process deep within me, God using this tool as a piece to draw me closer to Him and to draw deeper to Christ.
Below are more books I have read over the years and highly recommend to read. But first, I recommend to read What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?, followed by Satisfy My Thirsty Soul, The Heart of Jesus, Friendship with God, Disciplines of a Godly Woman, Following God Fully, Desiring Gods Will, and Holy Hygge.