Thursday Morning’s Reflection | In Agony, Sorrow, and Joy

Thursday Morning

Is it quite possible to be in agony, sorrow, and joy at the same time? Is it quite possible to walk through such suffering places with smiles, yet at the same time, breaking inside? Is it quite possible?

This morning as I sat with the Lord, He gave me so much clarity to what I had been seeking and searching for. It was as if all the quietness from the Lord was worth it. The constant pursuit of seeking YWHW.

I kept asking Him where I was with Him. What season I am in. Why I feel so far away from Him because that’s what my feelings felt. I kept coming to Him, crying to Him, asking and pleading to Him. But in all honesty, I couldn’t even find the words as they would stumble out. Until He told me the other morning that I have a lot I am carrying, thinking, walking through and I needed to tell him how I felt.

As most of you know, we have twin miracle boys whom the Lord promised. The after part was the hard part. Walking and enduring the NICU and PICU. Our boys are needing extra help with their walking, standing, and sitting. At almost 3 years old, they still have quite a bit to catch up on. My heart had been in this place of, “Lord it feels so unfair for them to walk such places.”

My husband and I would see other children able to walk, talk, crawl, sit, etc, while ours struggle. And inside, there is this deep pain, deep cry to the Lord to hear us so they too can have some kind of normalcy. Last night it hit. We saw our youngest one, 8 months old, who can sit, use her fingers, grab and hold tightly, who can eat and make cooing sounds.

Joy and sorrow. This is how we feel all at the same time.

I see these two, actually all three, our third one is not in this picture, and my heart and my husband’s feel both joy and sorrow. Our heart breaks at seeing how our precious Ethan struggles to sit. Yes He is sitting in this picture but it was and is a struggle for him. We see how our 8 month old second promised one sits so well. We see the milestones she hits and our sons, here they fight trying to do what they call “normalcy.”

Have you ever felt such joy and sorrow at the same time? It’s hard. It’s tear jerking. It’s painful. Yet, there is this joy that we carry, that is the assurance of all hope in our Lord and Savior.

We wonder and we ask, is it even possible to have both joy and sorrow? Is it “christian” like? Sometimes we think also, “am I even a christian if I have sorrow yet joy too?” The answer to this is yes. Yes you can have both.

Joy and sorrow can coexist. 

Jesus had walked and felt this deep agony and sorrow, knowing what he was enduring and about to face, yet he carried the joy that was set before him to persevere, endure, knowing what was to come after the sacrifice. The seating at the right hand of the Father and the Father to have the glory.

Joy and sorrow. The two that can absolutely coexist. The two that nobody speaks of, yet, here Leroy and I are, living in them both. 

The two we don’t talk much of to anyone, the battles of persevering and enduring through it. The tears and hardships, the physically & mentally enduring & preparing, the spiritually strengthening and faith deepening place. 

Parenting medically needed children is not easy. Some days are easier and some days are plain hard. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Yet, we persevere and endure it with one breath at a time while calling upon the Lord almost all day long. 

The past weeks I kept praying and asking the Lord where I am in this season. I have felt heavily loaded with emotions, feelings, heavily weighted and overwhelmed things on my shoulders that I had no idea where it was coming from. Until He showed me that I’ve been in this agony place. I didn’t even realize it til the Lord showed me early this morning. Yesterday, the Lord spoke to me and told me to tell him everything I feel and to not hold back from any of it. I didn’t quite understand as I already had been sharing with Him everything. Or so I thought.

I had been hearing the very specific words He has given me not understanding why, until the Lord told me to read Psalm 77 this morning. And I was reminded of all He has done in the past, all he carried us through, all his promises kept, all the joy I have that is set before my eyes knowing there’s good to come out of this “agony” place. 

Remembering who He is, remembering what He’s done, recounting His good deeds, abiding in His character (not who we want him to be but who He truly is), and meditating on Him, calling upon His name day and night. This is joy. Joy isn’t a feeling but an assurance of what we have in Christ, despite how we may feel. 

We often think our feelings are too big or not important to God, but the truth of the matter is, they do matter to God. He knows how much it can affect us if we hold onto them not releasing it unto Him. After all, Christ tells us to come to Him, all who labor and are weary, to cast all our cares upon Him for He is gently and lowly at heart. Christ never shuts off our feelings but tells us to come to Him with every weighted thing (1 Peter 5:7) to cast it upon him, because he cares for us. He knows the weight it pulls on us, and because it’s pretty heavy, that’s why he says bring it to him. Because He can carry it for us. Its too much for us human bodies to carry, it is the very reason Christ died not only for us to have life and have it abundantly, but to carry it to Jesus and leaving it at His feet. He is able to carry the heavy load. He is able to hold it for us.

Joy and sorrow. While they both can coexist, they both serve a purpose in our lives. While many may not understand the walk we are in being parents to children who need the extra help medically, a husband who strives to be the best husband and dad he can be, a wife who surrenders daily and calls upon YWHW almost every minute she breathes, seeing our boys needing medical help and seeing our other children in great need of us too, it can be hard. But all we do is take it one day at a time. Literally. It’s all that we can do with the Lord.

I may not understand your walk or know your walk, but I know one who knows it very well. He has a name, and His name is Jesus.

He has suffered much, endured much, persevered much, walked much, yet, He willingly chose to walk the path for his name’s sake and for our good.

Walking such paths never feel good. But it’s the truth of YWHW that abides deep within us that will carry us through. Contemplating, meditating, knowing, holding onto, remaining in, holding fast to His word and truth.

I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not know what next week or even next year holds. But I do know one thing. I can carry both joy and sorrow, enduring the path Yeshua has walked, knowing YWHW carries us through it, never leaving us alone in it, promising that He is faithful til the very end of age.

Everything we go through is for a purpose. To serve a purpose. To shape, mold and mend our character to becoming more like Christ. It’s to deepen our roots deeper in Christ, relying solely on Him for healing not anyone else. It isn’t being arrogant, it’s being fully reliant on our Lord YWHW, trusting in Yeshua who can and will lead us upon the path of righteousness for his name’s sake. When we lean on Him for answers, He leads the way.

Joy and sorrow can coexist. It doesn’t make us any less of a christ follower nor does it make us less of a believer. It makes us more like Christ. Even Christ carried the two. There is no wrong in feeling sorrowful. It’s wrong when we deny Christ’s power that can be used in our sorrow. It becomes wrong when we rely on our own understanding and not His. It becomes wrong when we take matters into our own hands and not trusting in YWHW.

Joy. It’s trusting in YWHW fully, submitting to Him, having the faith and assurance in Him and Him alone.

When I see my 8 month old daughter, both Leroy and I have such great joy seeing her as healthy as can be. Yet, we have this sorrow for our boys who struggle with such things at almost 3 years old. But I know, without a doubt, God will get the glory in this. For this is what He told me a while back that i journaled. This isn’t for me, but for HIM to get ALL THE GLORY.

Sister, if you feel that joy & sorrow weight upon your shoulders, know that it’s okay to have both. It does not diminish who you are in Christ. Just don’t let your feelings override your joy. Instead, share it to Jesus. Call upon Him while He is near. Seek Him while He may be found. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. 🤍

May the Lord YWHW speak to you today in what you are facing and may your desire to wanting YWHW grow more and more. May your hearts desires be the Lord’s desires and may he receive all the glory in what you are facing today.

Snippet of my journal entry that was on my heart

“I am not *chosen* because I’m anyone special, but because that’s His doing.
He chose my family to face this, to endure this, to agonize this, to suffer through this,
for when worldly trouble comes, I will be spiritually grounded in the One.
God chose us — to bring Him all the glory.
He wants all glory, honor and praise.
And that He shall receive.
1 Peter 5:7, cast all that is upon my shoulders to Him, all.
1 Peter 4:7-9
My suffering cannot compare to another’s,
nor to Christ, for Christ endureth much.
But how great and beautiful, majestic is He.
He is worthy of all of me.
He will shape my family for the better.
He will save my family for the better.
He will carry us through for His name’s sake.
He will be here with us til the very end of age.
And that, that is a promise He keeps forever and ever.
Amen.