Through the Terrains with Jesus | 002
I sat there right on my bed, a beautiful covered white duvet with pillows surrounding me. Tears, snotty tears flowing down my cheeks that were uncontrollable.
This hurt like it did when I was in high school and caught the flu but a bit worse. I was sick for a month and a half after receiving the flu shot. I slept everyday all day long fighting through it. I was only 17 then. That was the last time I was ever terribly sick.
Then this came.
Fighting the stomach bug that hit our home, each one of us, along with my husband and I fighting the dumb sickness I won’t name here thats all around the world… along with another thing I was battling to fight… it was the most terrible experience we experienced. Having two different things, two parents both fighting and trying to care for their 4 children, each other and themselves, doing the best we could to feed them… and by feeding them we only had the strength to make them sandwiches or nuggets. So thankful for our girls understanding and our oldest who would step in and make hot dogs, spaghetti and anything else she cold make in that time. Bless her heart.
We barely had strength to walk a few inches. It was terrible to be honest.
I sat there crying wanting this all to just go away. Hearing news and now this??? (mind you, I’m still writing from the place taken in January)
Battling these two sickness was the hardest part for us both. For us all.
All I could do was cry. Feeling helpless at caring for my family. Some say crying doesn’t help, well in my case, it helped me in that moment and time.
Sometimes we just need to cry and there is no shame or wrong in that. There is something about tears that God sees and wipes away. He brings comfort and healing in those moments and time when all else feels… blank.
Never did I think we would face two weeks of battling the intense sick warfare within our home. It didn’t want to leave. As a matter of fact, because this is all about honesty here, that wasn’t the worst of it, this was….. I had no strength to open up my bible. That part I absolutely hated. Each time I would try to open it up and want to read it, I wanted to vomit and my head would spin terribly.
Each time I wanted to pray, I’d fall asleep rapidly.
“This isn’t normal. There is something wrong.”
How can this even be? How can this be real what I am battling?
“Rest” is all I would hear people say. Sleep and rest. And that I did. My husband and I both slept and rested more than we ever wanted but to see when I was awake I couldn’t pray or read the Bible…. something was happening in that.
Maybe if it were anyone else they would shrug their shoulders and say “ehh it’ll fade.” But for me, deep inside, I knew this wasn’t normal or right.
When we face battles like this where prayer is hard to do or reading the life giving word is too challenging to read, should we continue to press in and still go forth or should we give up?
I remember sitting on that bed like I mentioned earlier at the beginning, crying my eyes out. Nose terribly red swollen and snotty. “I don’t know what is happening here God but I need your help! I can’t even pray without falling asleep. I can’t even read your life giving Word that means so much to me without getting headaches or feeling the need to vomit. I don’t understand what is happening here.”
I laid my head down on the pillows. Laying on my side just to rest a bit. After all, when you cry so much you get exhausted. All four of my girls came in the room and all sat on our bed. Then my husband comes along and sits.
We all were sitting there in the dark because somehow the light caused a serious headache, and we silently sat for a minute. And there it was….
I think in times like this, we want to just give up because it seems better to do, right? Or we may just want to lay and not even hear what our heart is trying to say.
When we face challenging difficulties, even sickness, it can be hard to hear when our ears are not on the voice of God but on the voice of “you’re never going to crawl out of this.” We hear the wrong voice and we begin to sink in a deep place.
It isn’t wrong to cry. It isn’t wrong to be honest with God and share what you really feel. I mean after all, He does know. But there is something more powerful when we are honest with our lips. Its almost as if it leaves when we speak what we honestly feel. Its not like He will be mad or even surprised (and since you can’t see me, I am graciously laughing typing that last part). He already knows it all, He just wants to hear it from us.
Maybe there is something you are wanting to share with God but you feel He doesn’t understand.
Maybe you think He will be surprised to hear it.
Maybe you think He will be angry.
Or maybe you just don’t know how to even spit the words out.
Share anyway friend. Share whether you’re mad or hurt. Sad or angry. Broken or grieving. Even if it makes no sense in that moment, share anyway. There is a release that begins to happen within that moment and a comfort that is beyond human comfort that sweeps through. Share anyway.