The Pain You Don’t Want to Face

How often is it that we sit with the Lord in our pain? How often do we find ourselves shoving the pain down deeper, ignoring it because it hurts too much to face?

I sit here and I truly wonder if there is someone, just one person, who knows how this feels. For some it’s easy to walk through the pain. While others, me included, we tend to shove it down to keep taking steps. Only later to realize, to take the next steps we need to be obedient to where He is leading us too first, a place of healing.

Since January, the Lord has been tugging at my heart removing shoved down pain that I did not want to face.

“Lord, it’s too hard. It’s too much. I don’t want to go there. Please anything else.”

When the Lord brings you to a place of showing you the roots of why you hurt or why you do what you do, it’s painful. We sometimes don’t want to face it because it’s too hard to face. We want to shove it down ignoring what we did to others (because it hurts and we feel terrible of it) and what others did to us (because it hurts wayyyy too much). We want our feelings to be validated and at the same time, ignored.

Healing. This is where the Lord wants us. To be fully healed in all areas of our life. From our past, present, and to walk in the future of being healed in those places that hold us back from fulfilling the calling the Lord has for us.

We brush it off, ignore the pain, sometimes pretend it never occurred, or we simply just can’t remember for some odd reason… until the Lord gently pulls your heart and says, “daughter, it’s time. It’s time to allow me to heal you but first let me show you where the root cause is. Allow me to uproot the root and bring all of your pain and tears to me. I collect every tear you shed and I comfort every sorrow you have. I am here.”

It’s a beautiful process yet painful. It’s the very pain we don’t want to face but is so needed.

This past week, the Lord has shown me that in the past months I shoved down the hurt inside not truly showing him the hurt I feel. He already knows, yes, but I just didn’t want to face it.

The trauma we endured with our pregnancy of twins and the NICU and PICU stay afterward. I never truly sat with the Lord on how much it hurt and the trauma it brought in us as a family.
The friendship loss in the “after”. I felt abandoned. I was left on a cliff hanging… with no reason as to why I was no longer their friend. Only to feel worthless.
The mother daughter relationship I had craved and wanted for so many years, only to see it isn’t there.
The loss time and loss of everything.

It hurt so bad. I began to shove it down because I just did not want to face it. I was tired of being looked at as if my life was perfect when really, I was struggling inside to keep my posture and strength together. I was dying inside crying for friendships that I have always wanted only to have me feel that I am closing that door only to never open it up again and allow people in. They cannot be trusted.

That is how I felt.

I wanted nothing anymore but only the numbness I felt inside. I found myself turning to something familiar because I could not take the trauma, the pain, the abandonment, the rejection, the mocking, the hard painful tears I was shedding…. I felt like a burden to some, and to some I was as I would hear a “sigh” of “again…” But only if they knew… only if…

I put myself into a hole that I didn’t see coming all because I ignored the call of sitting in the pain with Jesus.

I know it sounds cliche, or whatever you wanna say… but this is where I had been the past months. Struggling to fight the fear off from what we are walking in now (and no I am not speaking of the move, although that is one thing we are walking too), and the friendship loss, the loss of unable to find a church home, the loss of trustworthiness that was broken.

And that is where it began. I lost sight of me because I allowed these things that flipped to define me. I allowed them to be used in a negative way rather than the positive way. Meaning, it could be drawing my heart closer to God and Jesus rather than retreating and pulling away.

I will admit, I still feel hurt from being left hanging. I still hurt from the trauma we walked through in the NICU and PICU. It’s a place I still struggle with to talk about because it’s soooooo deep.

But this is where the Lord has me. Hiding in the place to dig deep into the Lord, allowing Him to refine those areas and turn them into a beautiful art and masterpiece. A broken piece being intricately woven into a beautiful mosaic art.

Every hurting piece is becoming healed and glued into something I do not see. Beautiful thing is, my master sees. That is art. And God is good at it. We don’t see how everything turns out for good or can be used for good, until the finale. (Fingers on the lips and giving it a kiss and waving hello)

Every single pain we ignore is a pain to be used all for the glory of God. Every single pain we ignore is a pain that can be turned around for good. Every single pain we ignore is something to show that our God is a restorer and healer. Every single pain we ignore grows deeper into our hearts creating barriers that God did not create.

But the question is, are we willing to sit with the Lord in our pain and be honest with Him? Allowing him to tend to the garden of our hearts and uproot the weeds we have accumulated in the time we ignored it?

It’s hard. I get it. I was there 6 years ago in the refining and I am here now yet again. It’s called sanctification. The Lord doesn’t do it all at once. He does it in pieces.

I ignored it because it hurts too much. I ignored thinking, “it isn’t that bad to face.” Only to realize it doesn’t matter how big or small the matter, God wants you to give him all of your pain and hurt. Not handing him the pain and hurt leaves a root in our hearts only to later cause resentment and bitterness towards the matter and people around you.

God knew where my heart was starting go to. Wanting to shut people off again. Wanting to close doors and not let him open up the ones he wants to open. Wanting no one and nothing. But really… my heart really did want community. Friends. Family. Closeness. This is what he created us for. For a gathering of his flock to come together and fellowship. He knows human interaction is needed. He knows when two or more people who come together in fellowship, it’s uplifting, encouraging, empowering to the body of Christ and satan will do all he can to destroy friendships, relationships, community, because its powerful! Satan wants to shut people up, stopping fellowships and stopping godly friendships because he knows there is power in them.

Earlier this morning (Sunday), I sat with the Lord, as I normally do, and began to journal out my heart. The pain. The hurt. I couldn’t find the words to speak it, so I journaled it.

And maybe this is what he wants for you too. To journal your prayer. To write it out if you don’t have the words to express it. Sometimes we need to sit in worship. Sitting in his presence with no words and just waiting for Him to show up. Sometimes he places a song or two on our hearts to hear and it’s those songs that our heart pour out onto the Lord.

This morning and a few mornings, he has placed the songs Morning by Morning by Pat Barrett and Prince of Peace by Josh Baldwin on my heart. I heard them and I knew… I knew this is it. It was like the words that couldn’t be expressed were in these two songs.

Facing the pain we don’t want to face is hard. If it were easy, how many people would do it? The walk with the Lord is hard. It’s narrow. But it’s worth it friend. It truly is.

With all your broken pieces, hurting painful pieces, bring it all to Him so He can glue those pieces together creating a beautiful mosaic piece in your life. He is the master, we heed his voice. He is our Shepherd and we are this sheep that needs our Shepherd everyday of every hour.

We may not be perfect.. but Christ is perfected in us. Everyday that we choose Christ over all, Christ over our pain, handing it all to Him, is when we become more and more healed and new each moment of each day given.

Not one person here walking on earth is perfect or sinless, only Jesus. But with Jesus, we can walk in His ways, always, and reflect more of Jesus every day.

If He is calling you to face your pain, the hurt, the sting of rejection and abandonment, I want you to know this sister. He loves you so much. He loves you deeply. He loves you enough to heal your hurting heart to become fully healed in those places so you can live freely in those areas. But question is, will you obey?

In the process of learning this, I have learned to cry it out. Every ounce of tears. I hold nothing back anymore. I share what is bothering me and I even ask him “why.” It hurts, yes. But it’s freeing and I can sense our relationship going deeper and deeper together. What a friend we have in Jesus dear friend. Truly. His friendship is everything we need in this life and the life to come. His friendship is life giving, encouraging, uplifting, comforting, and even convicting. This is who I want to reflect, always. He truly is the wonderful friend we need in this life and healer who heals every broken piece within our hearts.