The Lord Hears A Wife’s Shattered Heart

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” | Psalm 147:3

Early in the morning with my cup of coffee in hand, here I am, feeling the need to write, only to feel unsure where it will lead or even how it’ll come out.

Here, early in the morning as everyone still sleeps, knowing this writing piece is weighing heavy upon my heart. Could it be just for me to be free from what is weighing me down? Or could it possibly be to encourage another who may be walking something similar to me?

Yesterday I knew I needed to write as I took a step back and saw my heart shattering and breaking into pieces, seeing two different scenes.

A beautiful open land scenery that was the most peaceful place to be, wildflowers growing wildly in the land, clouds appearing as a soft storm is coming in, the soft wind breeze coming through, and the beautiful background.

And the other scenery, seeing my husband hot and sweaty from the mowing he had done with his face purple and red from the beating sun. I saw his face and I knew something was not right. I wonder if it’s just me, as a wife, knowing when something is off with our husband? But seeing my husband holding onto strength yet struggling to pick up one foot as he walked closer towards us hit me hard.

My heart shattered. It broke into what felt like a million pieces.

“Lord, please hear me. Oh please hear me. Help my husband in his walking and strengthen him more and more in it. Do you see Lord the struggle he is having? My heart hurts as a wife to see this.”

Of course the Lord knows. Of course He sees. Of course the Lord saw my heart shatter and break into pieces seeing this. To the man that I said I DO forever and always. But does he see the heartache it’s causing both my husband and I? Does he truly care how it’s placing a burden on our family? Does he truly see the frustration my husband carries daily trying so hard to walk normally?

Absolutely.
He cares. He sees. He knows.

As a wife, and speaking from my own personal life in a wife’s perspective, it hurts. It hurts deeply to see the one in whom your soul loves (besides my Lord and Savior), to see my husband put himself down in places that I feel I cannot lift. It hurts to see that he tries daily and our daughters see every bit of it, and here they cry at night at times and pray fervently for the Lord’s healing hand in their dad. As a wife and a mama, it hurts deeply. Not only do they want their daddy healed, this mama, his wife, wants him fully completely divinely healed by Abba Father too!

I want to see him thriving again. Both his body and mind. I want to see Him see life again through a lens that is joyous. I want my husband to not resent God (not that HE does) but to continue to be curious of the Lord.

Sometimes when walking through this life with its challenges and trials, diagnosis and heartaches, it can either leave a ripple effect of turning away from God or turning to Him. And we choose the latter.

Yesterday hit harder than any other day knowing I could see my husband slowly breaking inside. A deep choking swallow I did knowing I held back every fighting tear and sob. Only to try and hold myself together for our daughters but most importantly, for my husband.

Is the Lord breaking my husband to show him something that only HE can do?

Is the Lord calling my husband to a deeper relationship with Him?

Is the Lord using this to reveal himself more to my husband?

I know without a doubt the Lord does not cast sickness or bring destruction. But I do believe he uses what we face to draw our hearts closer to his.

Yesterday, in that heat, oh this darn Texas heat that I hate so much, I saw something in my husband that I felt compelled to share with my husband. And that I did.

At the edge of our bed as we kneeled down to pray together, I shared my heart with Him and how he is truly loved and seen despite what he is facing. That no matter what, I am here, but we WILL get through this.

As a wife, we are to be our husbands helper. Not a nagger. Not a beggar. Not a complainer. We are made in Gods image to be our husbands keeper, helper, by encouraging them and lifting their head up in times like this.

And as my daughters and I saw, the posture and struggle my husband was having yesterday (Sunday afternoon), all of our hearts broke on that day, hoping and praying the Lord hears our petitions, cries, and prayers.

Two different views. A beautiful scenery and a man I deeply love, all filled with mixed emotions asking the Lord for more strength to be given.

Two different views filled with different emotions. Yet, it led me to call upon my Lord even deeper, to press in even further, and to believe the “impossible” to be made possible for my husband.

Nobody sees the struggle in our family because for one I do not share much. I have become silent now and steadying my heart in the Lord. But for two, we don’t need acts of judgment or opinions from others in our walk with the Lord. What we need is the Lords voice, our Shepherds voice, and we need godly men and women in our lives who are further ahead of us to continue to disciple us along the way. We need those married couples who will not be afraid to bend down in our sufferings. Most of the time, from our recent walks we have had, we have lost community and it stripped us from not wanting community again, it left us to feel as if we have “suffering cooties.” Jesus never rejected those who are suffering. He went into their space and healed them. Mourned with them. Sat with them. He was and is and always will be the best comforter to have.

But until then, until we meet these people, and until the Lord brings them, we will continue on in faith and holding onto the Lord, making memories as a family together living each day as the Lord has given, a gift of breath taken on each gift giving day.

Though yesterday broke my heart into shattered pieces, today is a new day filled with new morning mercies and impossibilities made possible. New strength the Lord gives and a fresh new hope anchoring our souls into the One.

No diagnosis will stop my belief in my Jesus.
No diagnosis will stop us from living the life God is calling us to live.
No diagnosis will take over because we will stand and believe in the Word of our Lord.

Yesterday was hard to see, seeing my husband stumble and his heart breaking too. But today is a new day given and we are learning more and more to embrace every moment together as one, a family God has gifted us with.

“This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” | Psalm 118:24