Grace in the Wilderness
How often do we stop and ponder the goodness of the trials and suffering we’ve been facing? How often do we bring our fears and anxieties to the Lord in humble adoration of the work He is doing in our hearts? How often do we rest peacefully at the end of our worst days knowing that there is purpose in the pain?
If you’re anything like me, you’re realizing you have a lot of work to do in the “trusting God” department. Suffering is not something we tend to associate with the goodness and mercy of God. Often, we absentmindedly attempt to tackle our problems independently, thinking that we will be able to gain control over our current situation. That’s certainly how I felt exactly one year ago. I was recently married, about to graduate with my master’s degree, had started my first full-time job, and was excitedly preparing to start a family with my new husband, Jaydee. I had everything under control. Until I didn’t.
The next several months felt like a never-ending hurricane. Just when I thought I could see the end of the storm, the winds picked back up to remind me it had only been a brief break as the eye passed back over. In October, I miscarried our first baby, Sarai. In November, I struggled to juggle responsibilities at work and school as I was treated for a sizeable ovarian cyst. In December, Jaydee and I both caught COVID and were quarantined with severe illness for several weeks. January and February were a blur of doctor’s appointments, tearful conversations, and attempted healing while trying to catch up on tasks for work and school. In March, I underwent my second laparoscopic surgery to remove cystic tissue growths from the endosalpingiosis and endometriosis that has plagued my body for years. At the time of this procedure, Jaydee and I were also informed that my left fallopian tube was completely blocked and no longer viable in terms of our fertility journey. In April, I miscarried our second child, Emery, and resigned from my job as I attempted to heal and process next steps. By May, I was feeling wildly defeated, incredibly depressed, and beyond unsure of my future.
If God was good, why were these things happening to me? If He could work miracles, where was mine? I could feel myself slowly spiraling into the abyss of endless Instagram scrolling, binge watching Friends for the 23rd time, and questioning every move I’d made in the last several months. Where had I gone wrong, and where was God?
In that moment of questioning, God answered simply, “Why are you afraid, you of little faith” (Matthew 8:26 ESV)?
Excuse me…what? Had I really heard that?
“You of little faith…”
My jaw was on the floor. God had spoken to me, and, for the first time, I heard Him loud and clear. The realization that God hadn’t left me, but that I had silenced Him, hit me like a train. The Lord’s footprints were next to mine all along, but I chose to ignore them as the waves of worldly “priorities” repeatedly removed them from my shoreline. Suddenly, I couldn’t remember the last time I had opened my Bible, the last time I opened prayer with anything but demands, or the last time I’d truly left my fears and anxieties at the Lord’s feet. I couldn’t remember…and I wept.
Ya’ll, it is far too easy to let ourselves be swept up by the trials we are facing. It is incredibly easy to fall into a mindset of, “I can fix this” or “I can handle that”. If I had a dollar for every time I told myself “I’m fine, it’s fine” over the last 12 months, I could nearly pay off my mortgage. (Okay, that might be exaggerating just a bit, but you get my point.) Instead of bringing my suffering to the feet of Jesus and resting in the knowledge that He holds my future, I fought tooth and nail to grasp onto a worldly solution for the trials I was facing. In doing so, I’d forgotten the message Paul shares with us in 1 Peter. He explains, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:6–7 ESV).
The Lord does not minimize our suffering. Rather, He reminds us that all trials offer us opportunities to grow in faith and position our hearts to see the purpose in our pain. In the book of 1 Peter, Paul gives several references to how we, as Christians, should persevere through trials and hardships to pursue the greater hope and inheritance that waits for us in heaven. This message was lost to me as I allowed myself to be bombarded by trial after trial over the last year. Pain and grief plagued my perspective, and I lost my way. Thankfully, Jesus often leaves the ninety-nine to herd one lost sheep home. He found me and reminded me that there is grace in the wilderness, purpose in pain, and goodness in grief.
I’m writing this now as our baby boy, Xander, wiggles and kicks in my belly. The Lord has blessed us greatly. Despite the grief we continue to carry following the loss of our first two children, Jaydee and I are reminded that joy will always come in the morning (Psalm 30:5). God is good, friend. He is always good. Don’t let your faith falter in times of trial and suffering but embrace the promise of the Lord to use it all for His glory.
A verse to meditate on:
I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who looks to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
For the angel of the LORD is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.