Dear Mama Walking Through The NICU
Dear NICU Mama,
I see you mama. I see you feeling that unknown creeping in, unsure of what this journey holds. I see you trying to be strong through it all, trying to hold it all together. I see your tears that are falling upon your cheeks as you see your oh so little baby lay in that bed. I know the thoughts that begin to sweep through, “only if I could have done this differently.” or “it’s my fault my baby came early.”
I hear the guilt saying “where did I go wrong, what did I do for this to happen?”
Those lingering thoughts, that heartache pain pounding, the unknowns and questions flowing through…
The NICU journey isn’t easy. Its hard. Its rough. Its a rollercoaster. It’s a whole new wilderness season.
As we begin to walk through those doors, we see lines and lines hooked up to our babies. Oxygen being provided, some of our babies intubated where we can’t touch right away…. some receiving blood transfusions…. it hurts…..
But those tiny little hands and fingers moving, the tiniest diapers you ever did see… it melts and breaks your heart all at the same time.
You see nurses and doctors roaming all over the place….. gosh how it’s so new.
You hear news you weren’t expecting.
Your mind gets clouded and you can’t seem to quiet it down.
You lose your sleep, you lose yourself without realizing it, and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again.
You feel embarrassed asking others to pray for you when you see your baby fighting to come out the NICU. But you know you need them as you walk in this unfamiliar place.
This wilderness feels lonely. Nobody understands your walk or knows how it feels to have a baby, or two, in the NICU. You hear them tell you they get it, but you see they never walked it before only to leave you feeling so alone. You then find yourself only wanting to speak to those who walked this path, or at least find someone who walked a similar path.
This terrible guilt floods through when you want to grab lunch only to find yourself thinking, “should I even eat lunch anyway? I’m not really hungry.” Just the thought of walking out the room without your little one coming along, hurts so much. You begin to feel tiny tears falling down those cheeks. Oh the darn guilt.
The energy you once had to shower is now gone and you can’t help but think, “why am I even getting ready when I have a little one who needs me, isn’t he more important than I?”
Your precious family and other children are far apart, separated in different towns and places… and it hurts even more as you feel split, in many places. You want to be there with them but you want to be at the bedside next to your NICU baby. Oh the tough decisions to make when you feel split in two.
Your marriage seems to feel at a stand still, your life seems paused, everyone seems to be moving and enjoying their vacation life and here you are breaking, little by little, trying to catch the next minute breath.
You wonder when will it ever end. You see families leaving and you begin to wish when is your time. You see families moving in only for your heart to break so deep for them.
The nurses tell you, “its okay mama to leave and get fresh air, go to the zoo, go take a nap, we are taking good care of your baby.” Yet inside you feel “what kind of mother would I be to go out and do things while my baby is in here fighting….”
The immense guilt. The heartache. Oh the battle of walking through the NICU.
Let’s not forget those beeping sounds on the monitors that overwhelm you, leaving you in frantic mode wondering “what is it, what’s wrong?”
Beep after beep, sound after sound… nurse after nurse….
You see some nurses love on them as if it wasn’t even a job to them but more of a natural tendency to care for them, and others, you see are only there to do a job.
Sleepless nights with tossing and turning, checking your phone for any missed called you may have missed throughout the night…. oh the long nights of tears and prayers.
Hotel stay after hotel stay, with no time of returning home. Heading down the elevators to grab cafeteria food once again only to miss home cooked meals.
Planned surgeries and unplanned surgeries with late night stays and eyelids weighing heavy. Parents laying on the hospital couch seeing your other children laying on the floor sound asleep or the couch next to you. The terrible feeling of guilt wishing to go home yet be there for those surgeries. How rough this journey is not only for the parents but the siblings too.
It’s a journey of renewed strength for a family to walk through the NICU.
Your children need you, yet you feel stuck, unsure of where to be. “Where do I even belong?”
You leave the hospital only for your mind and heart to stay. You try so hard to be present with your family, yet your not fully present because your mind still wanders off to that little room with your precious one in the NICU.
You long for friends in this time. They come, they go, throughout this journey and it can feel painful. Yet here God is gently saying, “trust in me daughter, trust me that I will provide all you need and bring you who you need. Lean onto me in this season, dive into me, for I am all you need.”
Even though I walked through the valley of the NICU 9 years ago, our daughters was simple compared to this one. This recent one with our boys was knee falling HARD and TESTING…
I found that I needed to let go of the grip of trying to think I was in control of the situation and instead, surrender my boys and the NICU stay, to my Lord.
No matter how many nights and days we stay in that room, we still have no control over what is happening. Somehow when we step out that room and take a walk outside for fresh air, our mind begins to think “if I am not there things can happen, but if I am there, nothing will happen.”
Oh how this isn’t true.
Everyday being in the NICU was a new day of new things and milestones that were made. And some days had setbacks that left this mamas heart shattered and in tears. I had to remind myself of the Lord’s promises and truth. It helped renew strength within my heart to move on to the next minute.
There were times I was strong and times I wasn’t. But in the times I looked and felt strong, it was only because the Lord’s strength was holding me. He was giving me the strength to get through another day, another moment in the NICU. The times I wasn’t strong was when I was being held by my Fathers embrace. No matter what, it was His strength, never my own. It always was and always will be His strength to get us through those days.
As hard as the NICU journey may be, there is always something good in it. And this is what He tries to teach us, in those hard places, to taste and see that the Lord is good and choose to seek the good in the hard places.
The NICU journey teaches us about the Sovereignty of God. How He is the ultimate one in control. How His plan is far greater than what we think or imagine. It shows us that when we fall to our knees, who do we surrender and worship too? Being in the NICU wilderness exposes our hearts a little more and brings things to the surface for deep healing and surrender.
The NICU journey, the NICU wilderness, is all about molding, shaping, and trusting. It’s learning to surrender our children to the Lord daily and to receive this renewed strength from Him.
This journey gives us a heart of compassion, a heart of humility, a humbling spirit that we need more of.
It’s a journey of clinging to the Lord and gaining an experience of knowing the Father’s character a little more.
It’s a journey of deepening your relationship with the Lord even more.
It’s a journey, but a journey worth fighting through.
NICU Mama, I know it is hard to see your little poked over and over again. Seeing them get wheeled back once again for yet another surgery that you don’t want to happen. I see you hurting, wanting others near to walk with you, hold you up when you cry, who knows the NICU life. I see you trying hard to eat, let alone sleep. I see you wanting some kind of normalcy, some answers to some of the things no one can answer too. But can I say this mama, there is a purpose for this journey that you are on. God always has a plan and purpose for what we suffer and walk through. It may not have been the journey you chose, but take heart, Jesus is with us in these hard days and there is something good coming out of it, just ask the Father what it is, He will show you.
When you feel lonely, turn to Him.
When you feel scared, turn to Him.
When you need a friend, turn to Him.
When you need to cry, turn to Him and cry.
When you feel angry, turn to Him.
When you feel doubt, turn to Him.
When you are devastated by the circumstance, turn to Him.
When you just can’t hang on any longer, turn to Him.
He is there. He is with us. He is present in our sufferings. He promises to never leave us in those places, we simply call on Him and be truthful on how we feel and what we are facing.
The NICU journey is never easy, it can be hard. But there is good in the hard. We can see the good by seeing how well these nurses care for our child. We can see the good by how our Father is supplying all of our needs in finances, in health, in spirit, in Him. We can see the good by looking around us and seeing others sufferings also and counting it all joy that He is present with us all. He is here with us, the meek, the poor in spirit. We can see the good by shifting our eyes off the “what if” and onto the “I trust in thee.”
We can choose to join a community of women, of NICU mamas who will pray along side us, who will check in on us, who will hear us out and understand the difficulties and challenges the NICU journey throws at us.
We can choose to see the good in these hard times or we can sit in depression and never call upon our Jesus.
We can choose to sit in that dark place and go no where or we can choose to follow the light even if we don’t see the full plan ahead.
I chose to call on Jesus. Even though I knew Him, I knew I needed more of Him. I was desperate to have Him closer to me. I was poor in spirit and weak in flesh. I needed someone stronger, someone who had peace, someone who wouldn’t leave, someone who could bring comfort like no human being, and it was found in my Jesus.
I may have been hurt by the ones I needed in this time and weren’t there, but I knew God was there with me, with us through it all. He still is to this day. He never leaves us, even when others do.
Beautiful NICU mama, I know it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But hang tight. Take one day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. Take a shower. Go out and grab some lunch or dinner. Plug in those headphones and soak into some Worship music. Allow the thoughts in your mind to clear and be soaked with truth. Grab a yummy dessert. Take a walk at the park. Go explore at a museum or go watch a movie. Find something new to try and do outside the hospital. It helps.
I know it hurts. It hurt me deeply to leave my little boys behind. But I knew my other children needed me too, and I needed them. I needed space from the room. I needed my mind cleared from hearing beeps over and over again. I needed air. I needed a new scenery for just a minute.
Though it was hard to leave, it helped refresh me so I can come back fully ready to be fully present with them again. We don’t want to be so burnt out or exhausted that we can’t even mentally be there.
It isn’t wrong to take a minute to yourself. It isn’t wrong to grab you a meal. It isn’t wrong to explore a new place you never thought you’d be. Us mama’s need space for a bit away from the hotel and hospital stay. Our minds need to be cleared and our breath needs fresh air. As hard as it was for me to leave, let alone drive 2 hours away back home to check on our home, it felt really nice to step away for a bit and get refreshed.
It’s okay NICU mama to step away. It’s okay to feel what you are feeling walking through this unknown journey. Though all this is unknown, choose to place your trust in the one who knows. Jesus.
We may not be able to control anything on this side, but we can trust in the one who is in control of all things.
We may not want to step out and catch a breathe, but we can knowing the Father is watching over our littles as we get out and feel the fresh air.
These babies are so much stronger than you think. They fight, they battle, they show us an immense strength from the Lord that is so wonderful to witness, in which we begin to ask the Lord for that strength too.
These babies show us NICU mamas what a grace giving, immense loving, peace flowing Father we have. What joy it is to have a Father who extends His hand to ours in these wilderness seasons, as we walk through and navigate life in the NICU.
Remember This Mama
You’re not alone. There are other mamas who are walking and have walked this walk. And Jesus… oh how Jesus walks with us through these journeys. Deuteronomy 31:8
This journey won’t last forever. It will soon end. Hang in there. Ecclesiastes 3:1
It’s okay to not feel okay in this season. Speak to the Lord and tell him. Share it all at the table with Jesus. Matthew 11:28
Recite truth to your heart. Take every thought captive and take it to Christ. Remember the Word of God, ponder on it, dwell in it, recite it. 2 Corinthians 10:5
That guilt that lingers is not from the Lord. Romans 8:1 tells us there is no condemnation in the Lord. The Lord never has us to feel guilty. Take it to the Lord and rebuke that guilt. Stand steady and firm in truth.
There is always something to learn. Even being in the NICU there are things the LORD teaches us, be open to his teachings. We also get to know him more deeply as we walk through knowing more of his character. Psalm 25:5, Psalm 119
NICU Mama Resources
Praying Through Ministries Facebook Group | In the times I walked the NICU with our twins, I needed community. I needed others to pray alongside me. I needed those who knew the NICU walk and understood the feelings I was feeling. I was and am so humbly thankful to have this community because in that community, are others who are walking and have walked this NICU journey. They bring encouragement, prayer, bible studies to do to help keep our hearts postured in the Lord during this time.
A Heart of Worship Playlist | Worship music helped me get through the NICU journey. I needed my ears filled with truth and shut off the lies and thoughts. The only way to silence my mind was to worship louder than my own thoughts and lies that were flowing through. I needed my ears to be tuned to truth.
Journaling | I bought a journal at Ross for $4.99 and journaled our way through the NICU. It helped me pour out what was bothering me, what the Lord was speaking to me, and releasing…. it was a journal of releasing all my burdens to the Lord, yet writing down the victory moments in the NICU.
Mercy in the Storm Bible Study | This bible study helps walk through the storms in life and has helped me rediscover God’s sovereignty over situations.
Fighting with Faith Bible Study | This bible study has helped me walk through the NICU life, the very unseen storm I didn’t see coming. It helped me keep my mind focused on God and be reminded of His faithfulness.
Scripture to Pray Over Your NICU Baby
Psalm 103:1-5 | “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like eagles.”
Psalm 107:20 | “He sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction.”
Psalm 139:13-14 | “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mothers womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.”
Isaiah 40:28-31 | “The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be wear; they shall walk and not faint.”
Isaiah 43:1b-3a | “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”
Isaiah 53:5 | “But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.”
Isaiah 55:11 | “so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”
Verses to Meditate On
Isaiah 40:28-31 | “The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be wear; they shall walk and not faint.”
James 1:2-3 | “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”
Romans 8:28 | “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
1 Peter 5:10 | “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
Isaiah 43:2 | “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
James 1:12 |. “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
Romans 5:3 | “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;”
Romans 8:18 | “consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 | “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
Isaiah 43:1 | “But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”
2 Timothy 1:7 | “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”