Beauty from Ashes – Dying to My Hearts Desire
Maybe you’ve heard the saying “Beauty from Ashes.” I remember hearing it a few times but never understood exactly what it was trying to say, in depth. Until the Lord brought me through a walk I never knew I would be on.
The year of 2020, right when the pandemic came, I heard the Lord saying I would soon have a son. Boy did my heart leap in excitement to hear that! Especially since he gave me a vision of it back in 2017. But what He didn’t tell me was that I would begin a walk of dying not only to myself but to the dream, my hearts desire.
Little did I know that this heart desire of mine, to be a boy mom, sat on the throne of my heart where God was and is intended to be.
I never knew it was sitting on my heart in such a way that crowded God leaving no room for Him.
How did I find that out? Well, he had to pull me away from what was stealing my heart from Him first so that I could see what was taking up room in my heart for Him. He had to pull me out of my church that I once knew as home. And all in that, from being pulled out, He taught me so much. I am going to share a few brief things with you what He taught me about this heart desire of mine:
- My heart dwelt on this desire more than Him. Each time I became pregnant, I secretly was hoping it was a boy. Each time I would hear “its a girl”, inside I would be so down thinking it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t have a boy.
- I agreed with word curses when I should have rebuked it. I was told by some family members, “you just can’t have boys, you are only meant to have girls.” And once I heard that, I agreed with the lie and it stuck with me. I allowed the word curse take over me.
- My heart needed a deep recheck and cleansing. I needed to die to that desire so that I could gain more of Christ and the love I truly wanted of Him.
- And I learned also that not all heart desires are bad. Not all heart desires are good, even “good” heart desires are not in Gods Will. We must allow the Father to speak to us about these heart desires.
I know this is a deep blog post that you may have not expected. Quite frankly I wasn’t planning on sharing this. I just felt led by the Holy Spirit to share it. So here I am. Writing some hard truth to you friend.
To think something, my hearts desire, was setting on a pedestal where God should have been, had me feeling icky and in denial all at the same time. I think we get this way when we tend to hear a verse that we try to fit into our “wants.”
“No. its not true. Isn’t there a verse that says He will give us our hearts desire?”
I contemplated on this verse for quite some time. Trying to understand why this verse would say he would give us our hearts desire yet he doesn’t. Until He began to reveal more to me in the hidden place.
The hidden place is a deep place where the Lord draws our hearts more to Him, to be whole, healed and made new. To refine, to purify, to expose and redeem. (more on this to come in the upcoming Podcast episode).
And in that hidden place, I heard him say, “something must die in order to be birthed.” I knew what needed to die inside. But it was so hard to let go of.
I needed the dream and heart desire of being a boy mom to die. And when it came, when I finally said, “okay Lord. I trust you and I am okay with not having this desire of mine, but rather, I want you and nothing but you, all for me. I hand this to you so you could do with it as you please,” I felt this warmth deep inside, knowing I really am ok with not having that heart desire, because the true desire is to have all of Jesus.
Dying to that hearts desire truly set my heart into its proper place. By wanting more of Jesus and less of me and my wants. And since doing so, He removed those word curses from me, redeemed me in that place, and He blessed us with our twin boys (you could read their story here).
My heart still says, “Lord, I still want you. All of you for me. Nothing else.”
It wasn’t that the desire of my heart was bad. It was just sitting in the wrong place and needed to get repositioned. It needed some fixing, some God-fixing (having God to fix only what He can fix without me trying to fix it). Not all heart desires are bad. Some could be good. But even good heart desires could take up the throne of our heart where God is suppose to sit, whether it be wanting marriage, a child, a home, a career…. these things could still become an idol and take up room for where God is suppose to be. And this my friend, is where a heart check needs to come in.
Reflection Questions:
Where does your heart lay? If you aren’t sure, examine this…. what does your heart dwell on? (think of, desire the most) Be honest with yourself because then this is where transformation begins.
Begin to express to the Lord of this heart desire and ask Him if it’s taking room in your heart, leaving Him out.
Scripture for Reference:
John 3:30 | “He must become greater; I must become less.”
Matthew 6:21 | “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Matthew 6:33 | “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”