God Healed My Heart of Bitterness and Jealousy

Bitterness and jealousy. That was hidden deep within me. It was the deepest darkest roots inside my heart because of a hole that I left unchecked. I didn’t know it then. It wasn’t until the Lord spoke to me and told me I had these roots in my heart that need His attention.

Nobody likes to know they have bad roots lingering within their hearts. But it’s necessary in our walk with Christ. It helps us to become more like Him. Letting loose of the grip of these chains to become free. The very freedom Christ purchased for us.

Each picture I saw posted, each text I heard about, left my heart more and more unhealed only to leave deep bitter roots inside. Pain and hurt that I did not want addressed but quickly ignored.

Everyone wants to walk a path of perfection. The perfect family. Perfect parents. Perfect life. But it’s impossible to live such perfection only Christ’s perfection in us.

It began when I was a teen. Now mind you, I was not the perfect teenager. I was rebellious and had no care in the world. Nor did I care what people thought of me. An attitude I carried that I am ashamed to admit of who I once was.

I remember the day vividly. Like it was yesterday. The day of being betrayed by the person I never thought I’d once be betrayed by. Nobody ever thinks you could be betrayed by the ones who raised you. Nobody imagines such scenarios.

I will not go into detail here, I will only share where my heart was and where it is now, because of the Lord.

It occurred on that day. A beautiful sunny day. A blame that I was innocent of only to see brokenness sweep through my heart. A blame of being told I was the cause of the fight and that I am the problem and need to go. That it was all me who hacked into her email and computer and made up lies of disloyalty. The look on her face towards me left my heart shattered with disbelief. “It’s all your daughter’s fault. She did it.”

Words that pierced my heart and soul. Words that crushed me inside leaving me torn as to what is happening.

Up on the Concho River we sat, on a beautiful green hill. A beautiful sight to see, but within that instant, in that moment, I lost sight of the beauty shown standing in brokenness of what was occurring.

My eyes looking towards my dad in hopes he didn’t believe it. My heart crying to my dad in hopes that he believed I would never do such a thing. I glanced over at my siblings and began to see how my family was slowly breaking apart. There is a deep pain and hole that happens when families break apart. A deep pain that causes rejection and unwantedness. A pain that seems unbearable. A pain we try our best to ignore or even fix ourselves, only to realize we have no power to do so.

I couldn’t believe my ears of what was being said. Actually, I didn’t know how to feel. Should I be mad? Should I be hurt? Why me? In that moment I had regretted showing my dad the text messages and the photos I saw within the phone. Mine had broke and I needed a phone so she gave me her extra one. I didn’t ask for it, she just gave me her phone and so I began to set it up. But before I could it was locked to her account and it kept dinging and ringing. I didn’t go searching for things, it was all there.

In that moment I cried. Cried at what I saw of unfaithfulness. Cried of feeling guilt and shame of not wanting to show my dad. I didn’t want my dad hurt. I didn’t want us hurt. But it somehow didn’t feel right to keep it a secret if I knew and things should have been said. I handed my dad the phone one night and simply said, “you may need to see this. I’m sorry dad.” And left the room.

Tears and weeping is what I heard from my brothers room. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Never in my life have I heard my dad cry, or saw him cry. But in this place my whole family was in, we all cried, wept, and were lost.

It was in that time, right upon the small little hill, nobody, but the 5 of us there, was where I felt this guilt and deep blame. I blamed myself for it. I blamed myself showing him. I blamed myself for even accepting to have the phone. I blamed myself for my broken family and wished for years that I never said anything. Only to later see that the Lord showed me why I carried so much guilt was because the finger pointing done unto me.

Nobody, but me and of course God cause He knows it all, only knew what began to birth in my heart that day. Roots of distrust, not wanting to trust anyone again. Roots of people pleasing, trying to please her in hopes she would love me again. In hopes that one day she would tell me sorry. In hopes she would come forward and admit she was wrong and I was innocent. In hopes she would want me again…

Years of dealing with heartache of disownment, years of feeling not enough, years of rejection, years of blame, years of trying to please and include her, it was only years that birthed in more and more bitterness and jealousy not realizing my heart was becoming hard and calloused.

The deep bitterness it caused as I would see her talk to my oldest and treat her like if she was her own, and yet, where was I? I was no where to be found.

Each time I would cry deeply to my husband telling him how much it hurt to feel disowned. How much it pains and kills me daily to love someone who is not loving back. To love someone you desperately want near only to leave you wondering what have I done wrong to deserve this? To see her text my own husband asking how I am, how the family is, yet I never receive anything.

There I was, sharing with my husband the pain and hurt it causes to see each post on social media of how much she loves us, but I knew deep inside I hardly ever saw her. Heard from her. It would make me so mad. So disgusted with seeing how I was loved on social media by those posts but absent in real life. I was angry to see she had free time to visit others, but never us. I was angry on what she would say to her side of the family, of us not wanting her, when it actually is the opposite. It continued this way for years. Visiting once in a blue moon, only to distance the relationship I desperately wanted.

I cried to God so much of the hurt, the anger, and even seeing others with their mom how it would instantly break me over and over again. I would hear the voices of my other family saying “it’s not okay to pick sides,” and we would even be mistreated, ignored, talked about, but little do they know what I went through and heard. It wasn’t only once that I was blamed, this incident occurred more than once. But I never shared or spoke of it to anyone. I never wanted to. I never wanted her to look bad because I love her. I think this is with any child. Depending on the scenario that occurred.

Until the Lord took me down the path of healing, of mending my broken heart, leading me into the deep hidden place. The place of Him showing me that I am in desperate need of his healing. He knew my heart was starting to become too hard and too calloused to receive His and even my own husband’s love. I was beginning to distrust my husband due to fear of my past, even scared to trust God because of the rejection and feeling of abandonment I walked in.

I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to continue. It hurt way too much.

Have you ever felt disowned by someone you loved so deeply that it wounded you, scarred you in ways you never thought could be healed? Me too friend. It hurt way too much to face it. I just wanted to ignore it and pretend it never happened. But that is where the deep love of God and his grace met me. Smack in the middle of my breaking point. Because of my ignoring, it was causing bitter roots in me that needed his addressing and healing. And He wanted me free from it just as much as I wanted to be free from it.

He wanted me to face the reality that God knows the real honest truth and I don’t have to please anyone but him. The people pleasing needed to die and the ugly roots of jealousy and bitterness needed to go. That thought, and feeling, of a lost parent, He had to show me I have a parent who loves me immensely. Who has adopted me into His family. Who cares for me and provides for me in ways no earthly parent could. And it is He!

It wasn’t a pretty site. Not one bit. It wasn’t a pretty road. Not one bit. It was the hardest reality I had to face that I was hoping God would say let’s do something else. But as gracious and patient as He is, He helped me through it all. All in the secret hidden place.

I am reminded of Jesus, how he must feel when people who walk the earth disown him. Who disregard Him. Who blame Him for causes that was not from Him. Who even accused Him for things He never did do. Yet, our Father still shows them His mercy and kindness. Why? Because He loves and is love.

Our Lord Jesus Christ knows very much the pain of how I felt in those hard years. He knew how hard it would be to face it and own up to it. He knew I would ignore it because it hurt too much. He knew because He felt it too. The same rejection and abandonment Jesus received from his family and even His Heavenly Father for a bit while on the cross. Jesus knew the heartache of losing someone you love. He knows the betrayal as Judas betrayed him, yet He still loved him. Jesus knew the accusation of innocence. He knew the finger pointing and the blame. He knows the heartache, the pain, both physically and spiritually. Why? Because he walked it all. Much harder than us, but it doesn’t diminish our walks. He sees and knows it all. And that is the beauty of walking with Jesus. He relates to how we feel and can comfort us in our pain, hurt, broken heart, and he mends it all and heals it all.

They same time heals all wounds, but that isn’t true. God can heal in an instant, it’s up to us if we are willing to face it. The longer we ignore it, the longer it takes for our hearts to be healed. Or, he could, and will, knock us to our knees with no choice, and its in those moments, we feel the instant ratification of the Lord and healing.

I only wish I could’ve not ignored it for so long. But I am thankful He never gave up on me nor leaving me in that dark place. Thankful to have him lead me into the wilderness where He speaks tenderly to me (Hosea), showing me more of Him in the secret hidden place (Hosea), healing every area of my heart. Mending it so I could then love others the way He loves me in my pain and hurt.

With the pain I felt, I grew in comfort. Comforting those in their heartache.

With the accusation I felt, I grew in justice for those who have been wrongly blamed. Because I know what it is like.

With the moment of betrayal and disownment I felt, I grew in including others. Because I know what it is like.

With the broken trust I experienced, I grew in trusting the Lord more to heal my brokenness.

With the sorrow I felt, I grew in kindness. Because I know how sorrow feels.

With the rejection I felt, it helped me grow and know who I am in Christ.

With the abandonment I felt, it helped me truly understand my placement in Christ, the adoption I receive of accepting Jesus Christ.

With the uninvitedness I experienced, I have grown to invite others.

With the broken family I experienced, I have never known what it felt like, but have grown to love and bring compassion, even weep with the broken families while also showing Christ love and redemption.

With every hurt and heartache in a situation that should have never been, I have leaned to my Father more which built a deeper relationship between my Father and I.

I can’t tell you why bad things happen. I can’t tell you why parents disown their children or why abandonment happens. I can’t tell you why heartache even happens. We live in a fallen world where nothing is perfect here. But what I do know is this, we can experience Christ’s glory in all of our pain, hurt, heartache, and even experience heaven on earth. Healing comes. It comes in ways unimaginable.

Facing the reality of our past pain and hurt is hard to face. We want to ignore it. But the truth of it is, when God has us in that place, it isn’t to hurt us more but to shape us more. To heal us. To show us our hearts and where bad roots could be lingering.

If we do not face these places God brings us through, we could never be fully healed. We would never know the bad roots within us. God is good. No matter what. And because He is good, everything He does in us is for good. To become free from chains we are bound to whether knowingly or unknowingly.

Bitterness and jealousy. The ugly roots I did not know I had. But I did. I had those two ugly roots that lingered because I allowed the pain to be swept under the rug never talking to anyone about it. I ignored it in hopes it would never rise up again. But that wasn’t so. God knew very well. He also knew the right timing of when I would need to face it. Did I face it right there and then? Like I said, no. I kept ignoring it because it hurt. But eventually I obeyed.

The longer we disobey the healing process, the longer we are bound in chains.

My heart was chained and shackled to the ugly roots of bitterness and jealousy. And this my friend is where the enemy wanted me. He wanted me in this place so I wouldn’t become free. He wanted me to be unforgiving. He wanted me to be held down to do as he pleases. Because he knew, once I forgave her, once I laid down the ugly roots, there it would be where I was truly set free.

Holding onto these roots cause us more harm than good. It isn’t hurting the other person but hurting us. Dying slowly inside, crying for freedom without realizing we are crying inside for freedom. Our soul, in desperation of freedom. Our soul in which needs tending. It’s only Christ that could do the tending in our hearts. But we must allow Him to do so and be open to His correction and healing.

Though there is no reconciliation yet, I still am grateful for the Lord’s teaching through it all. Thankful for his healing hand and his comfort. Thankful and hopeful that one day, one day it will be reconciled in a way that Gods redeeming power could only do. Believing one day, one day, she too will become free through Christ and tasting and receiving his salvation. But for now, I hold tight to Jesus. For He is the anchor in my soul who is steadfast in his love towards me. Who shows grace and mercy in the times we want to run away and not face the pain. Who is patient and kind in our heartache. Who tends to our hearts gracefully to mend every piece of it, to become free. The very freedom Christ purchased for me. For you. For us all.

Is there an area you are in need of healing? Come to the Lord in prayer and let him know. Be honest with Him. Share your hurts, pain, anger, frustration, be real raw and honest with Him. Because this my friend, this is where it begins. This is where deep intimacy and healing begin when we are honest with ourselves and God. Ask Him to reveal to you any lingering roots that are not suppose to be there so He could mend and heal and uproot every piece that does not belong. He will show up. He is faithful. He heals the broken-hearted, He binds up their wounds, Psalm 147:3. He hears you friend. Will you be open to hearing Him?

heart check

What underlying issues, from childhood or recently, have you held tight to?
What thoughts come to mind when you see the person or hear the persons name who hurt you?
How do you feel when reminded of the certain place that you try to ignore?
What is the very thing you try to ignore and not face?
How is your heart right now? Cold, hard, warm, tender, compassionate, bitter, angry, jealous, envy?
Have you brought this to the Lord?

How to tell if bad roots are hidden in the heart

Though I am no counselor or expert, I only know what the Lord showed me through His Word and in my own personal experiences.

If you happen to grit your teeth hearing a persons name, this could be a sign of a bad root of resentment hidden.
If you happen to see the person in public who hurt you and underneath you either fear them or anger resides, this could be a sign of a bad root of unforgiveness or even fear lingering.
If you see someone who has the very thing you have wanted and you dwell on it, this could be the sign of a bad root of envy and covetousness lingering around.
There are so many bad roots that are hidden and are the cause of our reactions. Only Christ could reveal such things. It’s why its important to pray to the Father and ask Him to expose our hearts so our hearts could be made pure and clean, leaving no trace of bad roots around. The father wants you free if not more, just as much as you want to be free from those shackles and chains. And you can be. But will you choose freedom?

let us pray

“Heavenly Father, we come to you today and ask for your healing in our hearts today. Expose any sin, any bitter roots, any roots that do not bear your good fruit so that we can work on it together. Even though it hurts to face these situations Lord, I know you are with me in the process of it. I just ask that I taste your mercy and grace through it and may your patience abound more and more. Uproot in me what does not belong so that I can grow more and more like you. Let nothing hinder the process, not even my own self, so that I can become free in Jesus both spiritually mentally and emotionally. I thank you father for your healing in my broken heart and thank you for mending me back together. I love you Father, so much, in Jesus name, amen.”

VERSES TO PONDER ON:

• Psalm 51 [all of it]
• Matthew 5:11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.”
• Matthew 5:43-48, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
• Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours trespasses.”
• Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
• Psalm 147 [all of it]

resources

I have created a 7 day free devotional that can be printed and used on a tablet. It is one that I had to walk through to becoming free from unforgiveness and the ugly roots of bitterness, resentment and jealousy. Of course it wasn’t my doing but the Lord’s.

Grab the free Breaking Free from Unforgiveness 7 day Devotional here!

declaration of truth

Here is some scripture based declarations you can say to yourself once you overcome the past hurt.

“I am not abandoned but am adopted into the Kingdom of God, I am a child of God, who was chosen before the foundation of the world. I am a light in a city on a hill that cannot be hidden. Christ paid for my freedom and that is all my freedom. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. I am healed because Christ bore his broken body on the cross, shed his blood on the cross for my salvation and healing, and by his stripes I am healed. My heart is mended together because God has healed my broken heart. I am not a mistake for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I was being made in secret and with every detail, God created. Christ loves me so therefore I am loved, and forgiven.”