Jehovah Shammah | The Lord is There
Jehovah Shammah
That is the very name God kept highlighting to me months before we endured what we did. I never knew why He kept telling me this name. In random places and in random ways. But now I see why. This sharing is personal. Though I didn’t go into every fine detail, I pray and hope it brings encouragement to you in the middle of your season too.
I sit here, being in awe over the things God does in our lives. July & August were filled with uncertainties and unknown valley’s. Though it felt familiar, it wasn’t. Sometimes we endure terrains that seem familiar but are different.
With each valley and terrain we walk through, God always teaches us something new.
And in that valley, it was trying. But God was present. He always is. I would be lying if I said the valley was easy and I was all good. Seeing my son not feel well, right in the aquarium and walking in the mall, something in my mama gut said we needed to get out of here and rush to the hospital. But also, I wasn’t quite sure if fear was starting to sneak its way in. We were leaving the mall and then suddenly, our son began throwing up. Not just little throwing up but excessively. The whole drive from the mall in Grapevine to Fort Worth to head to Cook Children’s. We rushed there and my mind began swirling. The traffic was terrible and I wanted to cry my eyes out. My mama’s heart began to hurt so bad that I wanted to just weep. But I held it together for a bit. Until I couldn’t anymore. I cried and told my husband, “I don’t understand why he has to face such horrible situations. Why must he face such things? I know God can heal, we have seen it numerous of times, but to see such a tiny little one endure so much in his little life, I just don’t understand.”
I believe God heard me. I know He heard me. I felt like Hagar, the God who sees me. He met me right there in that place of hurting. He didn’t shame me but helped me remember that He is with me. How? Well, let me continue on with the story.
While driving to Cooks, the movie name came to my mind, Wonder. That sweet boy went through such trying times, he was mocked, laughed at, not invited, yet his soul was beautiful. It was so tender like the Father’s. Yes he may have broke, he is human. But it showed a beautiful reflection of…. beauty from ashes. And that is what I kept hearing. Beauty from ashes.
So within that time, what first was suppose to be a check up, it ended up being a longer stay for immediate surgery. My mama gut knew something was wrong and we needed to be seen asap. The Lord surely comforted me in that time. I rejoiced in the Lord knowing what the Dr’s said that he wasn’t suppose to be here upon birth, and here he is, exceeding more than they imagined.
I was reminded of the verses God gave me for Him, all for Him to get the glory. I had to hold onto faith, even when it seemed impossible.
We came home, tried resting up on the Friday night and Saturday, only to see, yet again, we might need to hurry and go in. The signs were there and I hated to even think we needed to rush our sweet baby boy back in. But as the Lord reminded me, of all that He did for us upon promising us both the boys, delivering us to safely where we all made it, from all the trips of helicopter rides, ambulance rides, and more, He was surely present there in the hard good place.
But here we were, taking our sweet boy to the ER here in Abilene, only to see they sent us home. But again, my mama gut knew something was not right. I messaged our surgeon and Monday early morning she called me. We packed within 15 minutes and rushed to Fort Worth, yet again.
The whole 2.5 hour drive, I began praying. And the Lord flooded my heart and mind with verse after verse, with song after song, with every single memory of His faithfulness and presence. The song that spoke to me deeply on the way up there was, Mighty Name of Jesus by Hope Darst. It is hard to explain but I knew, my spirit and the Holy Spirit were in tune. I knew without a doubt God was telling me this is warfare.
We arrived and I dropped my husband and son off at the front entrance so we could find a parking spot. The girls and I circled around three times and I finally said, “okay Lord, we need a parking spot, please let us find a spot here on this level, please so we can go be with our son and husband.” And sure enough, we found the spot.
To make this part short, without going into so much detail, because I can definitely go into detail, it amazes me, I won’t bore you with it all. I will say this, our son was about to have another surgery. Again, my heart just shattered in both anger (no not flipping tables but frustration broken anger if this makes sense) and in deep agony sorrow. How am I too handle this? How can I carry my family in this and my own self?
Lord I can’t. But you can.
And then I remember, and heard Him clearly say, “you are surrounded by enemies, I am fighting the battle, you need only to be still.”
“Me? Be still?” That was hard for me to see my son on the hospital bed with no answers given. The doctors knew something was wrong but they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. As they were getting ready for another surgery, my heart began to sink.
As a mama who sees her son going through countless of trials and sufferings, it begins to ache deeply and weep immensely. You begin to wonder and question, “what did I do wrong Lord? Have I done anything wrong?” And though it is natural for us to say these things, we must not dwell in it. We are to dwell in the Lord YWHW. It is the very reason we are to ponder on the Lord’s word, to meditate on it, to have it etched and engraved upon our hearts because when things come, storms come, trials come, we can recount of the Lord’s good deeds. You can see it through the Book of Psalms how David recounted of the Lord’s good deeds. You can see it all through scripture. And there is very good reason.
I sat there, in the playground area inside the hospital room, reading the Word while my kids were playing. I was awestruck at how the Lord said He is fighting on my behalf. What did I ever do to deserve this? Nothing. As the Dr said he was going to wait another day on surgery, I didn’t know if this was a good sign or not. I could see my son in pain and I just wanted him to not be in pain any longer. Any mamas know the feeling??
I know for me, I so wished to take it away. All this to say, surgery kept getting prolonged and I had nothing left to do but trust God. The neurosurgeon’s came and I would voice my concern, but he didn’t seem concerned at all. So there I was, again, waiting.
Waiting is hard in times like this. It feels like, “could it possibly go any slower?” Well fast forward, our son did not need surgery, his inflated belly went down, their was fluid near his shunt in his brain, that I was worried about, but the neurosurgeon wasn’t so he sent us home. I was so happy to come home, but so nervous. We knew fluid should not be near the shunt in the brain, as we were told. BUT, I had to trust God. Fear and worry most surely wanted to grip me. And it did, in some way. I had to surrender it to God and hold fast to His garment and hand because I could not see ahead, I simply had to trust the One, Him, who was already ahead.
As we rested here at home, the after part of two weeks back and forth in the hospital and surgery and no answers given, there I was again, asking God and crying to Him, “Lord what just happened? They had no answers, what happened?”
It was the most weirdest part. No one had answers, testing came back fine, so much scans and blood work. And I remembered what God said, “there are enemies encamped around you, but do not fear for I am fighting the battle for you.” And indeed He did. He fought for us. And we came home and been home.
But let me tell you this. In the time of being home, I posted on Instagram, on August 18th, “Laying down your Isaac.” Because that is exactly what God showed me. I cried and wept. I knew what He was referring to. I held too tightly to what I should be holding loosely of. And after I did this, God showed me more. It’s the very reason why I posted the picture of the book because that is what God showed me.
Sometimes we pray and ask the Lord things, sometimes He answers right away and sometimes, He doesn’t. But He answered my prayer from many times of asking. I asked Him why we must endure these hard things and He showed me it was His plan for His purpose & His glory.
One morning as I was in prayer, actually it was that morning He answered, I got on my knees as He told me to do on my living room floor, and I poured my heart out.
I cried knowing I broke my Father’s heart by doing what the Israelites did, (you can read that on the previous blog post: The Hidden Idol We May Not See). A side note here: this is not the reason we endured what we did. God wanted to show me more of who He is in this midst of it all. He revealed himself in a way that I cannot, my mind cannot, comprehend. It was glorious! He wanted to show me how this was already part of His plan, for His purpose, for His glory!
I came back to my chair and somehow I opened my email (I hardly do this) and right there, I knew God heard me. The title read “Perhaps you are more like Mister Roger’s than you think.” And I knew… oh my gosh Lord. So I opened it and there it hit me. I ordered the book and I began to read it the next day it arrived. I cried so much on that first chapter because He answered me. From months and months and two years of pleading to the Lord, He showed me.
See, what you don’t know about me is that when I was a little girl, I would watch Mister Roger’s Neighborhood. I loved that show. Why? I don’t know to be honest. Each time I watched it, I felt calm and at ease and seen. Maybe that’s the reason, but I don’t honestly know. What I do know is that I would watch it a lot and when i read the first portion of the book of Mister Roger’s and how he portrayed Jesus in his actions to people, my heart. Oh my heart. I cried more. Just knowing God was speaking to me. I knew without a doubt God was telling me something in this. Answering me in ways that only He could.
So here is another thing you don’t know. Our son loves Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Coincidence? I think not. Actually, I know not. Everyone wondered why he likes it so much and how it calms his heart. But God showed me. God knew I would have a son one day. He showed me being a little girl how I loved Mister Roger’, my heart had a compassionate love for those with disabilities and who were overlooked. Mister Roger’s did this. He went down to their level, met them where they are at, felt their need and met them. He beautifully reflected Jesus to the kids. He would meet with them in the hospital stays, surgeries, diagnosis received and would pray for them. How beautiful is this?
Well, God showed me that though through the years growing up my heart hardened, He softened it and brought it back to where it first began. He showed me that He knew one day I would have a son, two, the twins, in need of medical needs. That I would see them and meet them. And not only them, but I would see families in their medical places because we get it. Where us parents who walk such places and we are overlooked or burdened to some, we are not to God. Us parents are sometimes misunderstood, those with disabilities or are “behind” as the world says, become a burden to some families and they don’t understand what it is or what it takes to parent those with them. Oh how God showed me something beautiful in it… it was beautiful friend! Writing this doesn’t even bring it to clarity as it would in person!
But that was not it. God showed me so much more of Mister Roger’s and how my life was not really mine. It was His all along. That everything I went through was to shape me who I am today. Anything good in me is because of Him, never of me. He showed me, since being a little girl… well I don’t want to speak on that part because it’s personal, but friend, being predestined is true! Vitally true! Being chosen is true! God chooses us before we even choose Him. Ya’ll.. I was wrecked that morning. I called my husband crying, sharing with Him what God was showing me. We got to see why our son loves Daniel tiger and the beautiful journey God is leading our son on, all to bring God the honor, glory and praise.
That is the journey in all of our lives. For God to receive all the glory, honor and praise. Everything we endure through is to make His name known. Yes, that includes the hard journeys.
I continued to read more in the book and though the other stories were amazing, the founder of LEGO captured my attention too. The suffering and hard places he went through, only to still trust God in it all. In all the losses and gains. In the hard places, He still praised God and honored Him. Though it wasn’t easy, he never gave up and still praised the Lord through it all.
There is so much more I want to share to bring hope friend, but I want to say this….. God indeed answers our prayers. No matter how long it takes, keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep searching for HIM. Not the answer to our prayer but the intimacy you build with HIM. And know this. too friend, whatever you are facing and going through, God is with us. His children.
So for those of you who have asked God why our family has walked such hardships, I want you to know this, He answered. He gave me the answer and that, I am rejoicing in knowing that whatever we walk through, I will count it all joy, knowing my suffering doesn’t surpass God’s love or Him being present with us, but that He is EVER-PRESENT, Jehovah Shammah, our God who is with us through the fires. Though the fires may be strong, our God is stronger. Though the valley seems lonely, it is not because He is with us. Though some may not understand, God does. Though the trench seems hard, Jesus carries us in it all.
I’m beginning to see more and more why the Lord named this space, She Walks His Way. Isn’t it funny how that works? It’s a lifelong journey of learning to walk in His ways, obey His ways, heed His ways, and submit to His ways, no matter the cost.
Whatever the cost Lord, I do it unto you. Everything I do, may it be done unto you, sharing hope, honor and glory to your name, helping and encouraging others on their hard good places. And may we daily become women who walk in your ways, filled with compassion, patience, forbearance, always shining the light of Jesus in a world where it seems so dark. May we be used for the Kingdom of God, being the willing vessels and servants of the Most High. May our word and actions always point to the One who ultimately satisfies our soul, quenches our thirst, and is mightily present in the storms of life.
With much love my dear beloved sisters in Christ,
Nicole