God met me there, in the wrestling place
He met me there. At the beginning of walking in the doors, where I dreaded on how to come up with words… praying the night before, morning of, and walking into those doors with an overwhelmed heart… God met me there. I didn’t have to speak a word because as soon as I walked in, the therapist said it all.
But it wasn’t the therapist. It was God himself. And I knew because I wrestled with God all week long two weeks prior. Pouring my heart out of Psalm 61:2 to Him.
We don’t ever see the full plan He has for us. But He does. We don’t always see what’s ahead. It’s why it’s called faith. For we walk by faith, not by sight.
In the wrestling gripping place, seeking YWHW, I cried unto Him in hopes He’d rescue me and make His face known to me… once again.
We don’t always know why we have to face what we face. Until the after. When we walk through it and come out of it, we begin to reflect and see.
Leroy and I sat down on the edge of our bed, tears wanting to stream down our face. Sharing how our hearts are hurting, yet rejoicing at the same time in this place.
Is it possible to rejoice and hurt at the same time?
Yes. It absolutely is.
The comparing of how our boys so badly want to run and walk, we can see it, yet they struggle. They see other kids doing so, Leroy and I see other kids doing so, and here we are, telling each other “idk why they have to face such trials…”
In the moments when I sit and see and the thoughts lurking of “where have I gone wrong as a mother for them to battle such hard things…”
It’s then…
Then… I knew. The very words the Lord specifically spoke to me, “the promise doesn’t come easy, but it’s worth it.”
Our boys are promises from the Lord. Since before they were conceived, the Lord spoke it beforehand. And because they are still the promised ones, there will be trials along the way because of who they are. One whole week I cried to God and wrestled with Him of how unfair it felt to walk such a place. I shared everything in me that I was bothered by.
“Why must they struggle so much God? Why must my husband struggle in his walking? Do you not see how this hurts my heart? It stings terribly knowing I cannot do anything to help either of them. I just want my husband to walk and my boys to walk. I want them to be strong in You Lord and have a good healthy life. This hurts that I cannot help them. My heart is overwhelmed with appointments and such. I cannot take on another thing anymore. I finally have reached my limit Lord. What do I do from here?”
Sitting on my front porch with my bible in hand, tears flowing down. Heavy tears. I had it. I had too much on my shoulders and plate only to realize… I never fully surrendered it all to the Lord.
Oh my heart. Oh my Jesus. How sweet thy sound of His amazing grace and mercies unto me. Mercies and grace that I do not deserve. All the moping and complaining, the pain and hurt, the struggles of attending all the appointments, homeschooling, home keeping, all the things, only to see…. only to truly see that the Lord met me there.
I see our sweet Kayla, our dearest youngest one, one in whom the Lord said He will restore all what was stolen from us… yet, Leroy and I began to hurt deeply seeing her reach all her milestones while our boys still struggle to hit their “firsts.” A rejoicing yet a hurting. All at once.
I can’t help but think how other mothers feel. Other medical mamas feel, in such valleys. I can’t help but want to weep with them, cry with them, rejoice with them, and hope with them.
I can’t help but think how other wives feel with their husbands facing such battles. Physical battles. I want to weep with them, cry with them, hope with them and rejoice with them too.
The night before therapy, Tuesday night, I prayed asking God to help clear up my schedule because I can no longer do it. To help me remove what needs to be removed and grant me His peace to do so. I spoke with Leroy about removing one of the therapies because I have reached my capacity and I truly cannot hold onto another at this time. He agreed. I cried asking God to help me because I did not want to take away what our boys may need, but to help give me the strength to do so.
The morning of therapy, as I was unloading everyone off the car, I was trying to put words together in my head of how I would say this. “How can I say this without them thinking I’m not responsible or a failure? Or that I am taking something away from what they may need?”
As we walked into the building, immediately the therapist came around the corner and she began to ask if it has become a lot for me. I felt this relief lifted off my shoulders and I began to tell her, “yes! It has become so much that I did not know how to even put to words or share. I actually prayed and asked God to help me and I shared with Leroy too.”
And her very words…. her words that I knew was the Father speaking through her… “you are doing a lot. You are doing the best that you can. You are doing everything right and there is no wrong in not being able to add another appointment to your schedule. Let’s come up with a speech plan to do at home. We want you to be okay too mama.”
And my heart…. my heart just wanted to burst in tears.
What they, and others don’t know, is the week prior I sat on my porch pouring out to God, wrestling with God on why He hasn’t healed them yet when I know He can. He promised me He would. What they do know is that I told them I struggle with comparing our boys on their journey with the others. Seeing others walking, talking, crawling, yet, ours are struggling to do so. What they do not know is that I sat on my front porch… seeing the sun starting to go down ready for a beautiful sunset, the kids riding their bikes, and my brother randomly beginning to speak encouragement to my soul. What they, and others, don’t know is that in the wrestling place… where I felt like Jacob clinging tightly to the Lord…. God met me there.
He met me in the wrestling place. He allowed me to wrestle, to fight, to cry, to mope, to scream, to ask him questions, to vent. He allowed me to pour my heart out and He met me there. He met me in the therapy room and on my front porch. He met me in my hurting place. He met me in the place I really felt hopeless but knowing I did have some hope… hope in Jesus.
In the wrestling place I sought the Lord. And the Lord met me.
In the wrestling place He showed me who He is… again. And again. And again.
He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t rolling his eyes… even after countless of times of crying to Him…
He knew. He knew I needed it.
And today? I’m free from the overwhelmed place. I’m free from the burden. I’m free from the despair. I’m free from holding onto the shame of comparing our life to others. Though I can see how it tries to grip us… we rejoice in knowing what the Lord spoke will come. In His time. Not mine.
Sometimes we feel ashamed to wrestle with God. Or we feel that we shouldn’t because we are a child of God. But do you want to know the honest truth? Wrestling with God is sometimes the place He puts us in to show us WHO HE IS.
I was reminded that He is CREATOR…. Elohim…He has created everything with such a purpose. Even if one walks or doesn’t. If one sees or one doesn’t. Even if one is deaf or one isn’t. There is nothing that happens outside of Gods will. There is nothing that God is not in control of. HE IS because it’s who He says HE IS, and He always will be.
I will choose to trust in YWHW, choosing to trust in His goodness despite what I see now. Because He is and always will be good. He never changes His character.
And maybe… just maybe… what we face today is what brings God the glory He wants. It may not be what we want, like what we go through. But it’s what He has planned all along. This is part of picking up our cross. Desiring and delighting in His will, not ours. Delighting in our Sovereign God and believing in His promises. It isn’t merely giving up but a merely giving in… giving in to our Lord all of our hearts minds soul and strength. For He is worthy of everything in us. Our desires. Our dreams. Our emotions. Our will. Our all.
He knows our limit. He knows our capacity. He knows the plans He has for each and every one of us. Are we willing to trust Him in it all, even in the hurting place? Are we truly willing to lay down our all for Yeshua? My answer is yes. A resounding YES!
Without Him I am nothing.
Without Him I am no one.
Without Him I cannot get through life alone.
Without Him life is meaningless.
With Him there is hope.
With Him there is salvation.
With Him there is a purpose for everything.
With Him there is indescribable joy.
With Him there is peace.
With Him there is assurance.
With Him there is security.
With Him there is everything we need.
In the wrestling place I had with God, my heart became less overwhelmed and more at peace with Gods plan for us. Trusting in His sovereignty over us all. Leaning on HIS UNDERSTANDING, on HIS WILL, not my own.
As humans, we can think we know the plans, the will, the way, the future… but we do not. God has the final say of our life. As long as we follow YESHUA, and YWHW, as long as we say YES LORD USE ME, we will always walk by faith, trusting in our LORD YWHW.
I have come to terms that God is.. and always will be.
He drew me to a women’s small bible study group and how these women’s conversations were nothing but a fire and zeal for the Lord… He used them to pour into me in my times of wrestling. Sister, we need to be surrounded by such women, such community in the latter times.
In times of suffering, in times of hardship, in times of breaking and hope seeming lost, God uses such people, He uses His vessels, to pour into others.
The medical road can feel like a rollercoaster. You can only see a partial ahead, not all, not knowing when you will turn right or left. But knowing who sits next to you.. knowing who YOU SIT NEXT TO… that makes all the difference.
Jesus helped me… once again… pulling me from that place… meeting me there… holding my hand and gently embracing me in my heartache. It was there… in the wrestling place where He showed me that though I hurt deeply at times because my mom has not been around us for years… He is very much around. He is my hope. My salvation. My all. And I can resonate with those who are walking similar paths. I can even be there for my husband too in His heartache and hurting place.
God met me there. In the therapy place and in the wrestling place. He walked with me, through the pain tears and grieving.
Grieving of what I thought was but walking into the what is… accepting that I am not in control of anything but am in control of surrendering… it was there… where it all made sense. And because of the wrestling place. Because of the heartache. Because of the sun setting view… I tasted once again, the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness. I tasted, once again, Jehovah Shammah, the Lord who is my companion.
Medical roads are hard. We can find ourselves comparing to others, we rejoice yet we hurt terribly… we live one day, one moment at a time. But maybe this is where it was always meant to be. Carrying our bag that is filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, having it on our backs reaching for the next destination. It isn’t to know the next week, month, or year ahead. But to live in the now moments. Never missing it, but living in joy, knowing the One who created you and the world, has you in his arms today. And everyday forward. Maybe, just maybe, this is what we are to carry. The bag on our backs, always ready for the next adventure, knowing when the Lord says go and we go with our bag already on our back. And we go with confidence, with assurance, knowing we have all that we need. Yeshua.