A mother’s view of her sons struggles
A mother’s view of her son’s daily struggles is one that causes her knees to fall, praying fervently over her sons.
“It isn’t for the faint of heart,” as I always hear this saying.
Ever heard of this saying? I feel it gets thrown around way too much and should only be used when it’s absolutely needed.
In this scenario? Not so much. Everyday I see my twin miracle boys fighting to hit their milestones. Who even created milestones anyways? Doesn’t every child hit them differently? Not every child hits milestones the same. Especially those in medical needs.
Though I do believe goals are great and are needed. But to see milestones missed or not made to the capacity of licensed professionals, why must we, as mother’s, let it get to us? Why must it sadden our hearts?
I’ll tell you why. Because we let the licensed professionals dictate, define, and determine how their life should be and not allow God to dictate, determine or even define their life.
Everyday I see their milestones either hit or missed. And everyday it’s a battle that tears this mamas heart. Before, I was striving hard to ensure they hit every single milestone. From my other kids. Until our twin miracle boys were born and medical challenges hit.
For those who don’t know, because for one I don’t speak about it much out of fear of what other’s will talk about of our sons, and two, because I am still learning this journey myself. It’s a journey that I am needing to humble myself in everyday, accepting that I am not the sovereign one over my son’s lives but God. He is the only and ultimate sovereign one.
This mama’s heart breaks each time I see a baby head to the NICU, who need shunts like our boys needed them, whose parents are feeling a loss of hope or hanging by a thread. My heart aches and breaks for these families. I want to be there for them pointing them to Christ.
You see this picture? This is our sweet Ethan. He is the most sweetest, loving, softest soul. We had fought hard for him in prayer and through worship. Where they wanted us to pull the plug and say goodbye, here I was standing upon Gods Word and promise. Here I was, not agreeing with what licensed professionals had to tell me and instead I partnered with Gods infallible Word.
Some may see it as rebellion, but I saw it as obedience to Christ and standing on the promises of God.
Today, in this sweet picture of our sweet baby boy, you see a two year old fighting everyday to gain muscle strength on his legs to stand. To walk. To crawl. No he hasn’t crawled. He struggles. No he hasn’t stood, he struggles. He even struggles to hold a cup with his hands because his left hand stays fisted constantly.
What you don’t see is the constant daily fight of us holding onto faith, believing in the healing hand of Jesus Christ, and us taking both our sons to therapy sessions weekly, or having them come to our house.
But what you do see, in this picture, is the work, the effortless amount of work these therapists put in to help our son gain the strength he needs. The scarified hours of this mama to get her son the help he needs and to help him at home too.
What you don’t see is the amazing smiles he puts on his face that is so contagious having you smile.
What you don’t see is the frustration he gets, wanting so badly to crawl, grab his cup, even to sit and stand.
What you don’t see is the amount of tears that fall on this mama’s cheeks, daily trying to hold it together for my son and whole family.
It’s a lot to contain. A lot to walk. A lot to endure. A lot of running to Jesus.
Both of our twins have suffered quite a bit from their birth. And it’s only a matter of time that they WILL hit these milestones of walking. I have learned to leave it in God’s hands, praying fervently, scripture praying, over my sons and also helping them get the help they both need to get what they need in life.
This mama felt horrible inside as I began to pray to God and be honest with how I felt. Sharing with Him what I am about to share with you.
“God, isn’t he suppose to be healed? Isn’t he suppose to be hitting all these milestones, yet he is struggling. Why must he struggle? Why must he endure such hard things for his tiny age?”
I had so much in my journals and heart that I couldn’t process through. Until the Lord began to reveal to me that it isn’t in my own power or even plan but His. He has a grand plan for our boys. He has a beautiful plan, I simply needed to let go of what I thought his life should be like and instead trust God’s grand plan for His life. After all, He did heal Him and save His life. And when I began to do just that, as God told me, I felt this sense of peace that comes only from Him, and I learned to continue to be in prayer, to be in worship, to still trust God with His life.
In that time of struggling with questions, thoughts, and heartache, He kept bringing up the story of the blind man in my mind. So when I read it, I wept. My heart wept. I knew God was telling me, answering me, the “why” behind what we face.
“As he was passing by, he saw a man blind form birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” Jesus answered. “This came about so that God’s works might be displayed in him. We must do the works of him who send me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
John 9:1-5
According to strong’s concordance, “works” in this verse implies to: “energy” and “urge.” Toll, occupation, enterprise, deeds, task, accomplishment, employment, performance, work, labor, course of action. The miraculous accomplishments and deeds of Jesus are works of God implying power and might.
I remember reading it and it dawned on me. It was like a light turned on, the Word jumped out the pages, and Jesus holding my hand reminding me of His good works despite of what we see in the physical realm.
Reminding me that in the spiritual realm it is done, its the physical realm where it needs to catch up.
Showing me that everything we are facing is to bring God’s power, God’s glory, to the world. Not out of our own doing, but out of us continuing to submit to Him, allowing Him to display His works in both of our sons lives.
It is God who wants them to walk, at His timing, not mine, not even professionals timing. He wants them, and us all, to see His glory and power through it to give Him all the honor praise and glory once again while saying, “It was God. All God.”
He wants full submission and surrender despite the odds we face and come up against.
He wants full trust and obedience, despite what others think about our sons and say about our sons.
They are miracles. Still to this day. They defeated the odds and will still defeat the odds because of what God has planned in their lives. He has already helped many come to faith and belief in the power of the Holy Spirit by sharing their testimony. He has brought many back to faith just by us sharing their testimony.
And this…. this what we walk daily with our boys of continued help in their needs as God still gets the glory and others seeing the displayed works of Christ in them.
The view from this mama’s side of seeing her sons struggle daily, fighting daily, trying to walk, crawl, sit and stand… I see the good works of the Lord and His continued provision in it all. I see the hand of the Lord upon them and His light guiding us in the path.
“Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 119:105
I see His faithfulness and goodness still as I did from day one. I see the evidence of his comfort, strength, guidance, and even his sovereignty in their lives. I even see a renewing in my mind, eyes, and heart in theses challenges they face. I see a granting more on the fear of the Lord. I see a submission and surrender that leads to a walk in humility. I see my trust in Him growing, deepening, widening, all for Him.
In the time being, what I wanted for their life isn’t what God wanted it to be.
In the time being, He showed me that its okay to cry, its okay to feel saddened for the struggles they face. But to get back up with the Lords strength by my side and continue to pray fervently over their life. To continue to shine the light of Jesus. And that is what they do. Everywhere we go, the light of Jesus is evident in our boy’s lives, touching others lives.
This mama’s view of her sons who struggle daily, I see the hand of the Lord, the goodness of the Lord, the provident hand of the Lord on their lives, as they leave a glimpse and taste of the light of Jesus on each persons lives they encounter with. And that is what I see. A piece of Jesus being left with a doctor who denies God is real. A piece of Jesus to the nurse who struggles in her faith. A piece of Jesus to the one who was given a promise from God but is struggling to see it come to fulfillment. A piece of Jesus to the one who feels abandoned, alone, scared, wanting God but afraid He doesn’t want her/him. I see God moving in our sons lives. Both of them. And what a beautiful view that I see on this side.. not having to see it as a hinderance or a “neglect” but of Gods power and glory being shined within their life.
Yes it hurts seeing them struggle. Any loving parent would feel that hurt.
Yes I still cry when I see them crying or fighting as they want to do the very things, yet its a fight for them to hold themselves up as they learn to strengthen their muscles. Any parent who loves their child would feel that.
But it’s like that with us too. It hurts us when our spiritual muscles are weak but what great strength we have in the Lord.
So mama, the one who struggles in some areas similar to ours, who have medical needs and are striving daily to even get through… turn to God. Allow Him to uphold you in this season and to teach you something new in this season. Allow Him to show you in this season what He is doing and be gracious with yourself. Allow yourself to cry, it is okay. Allow yourself to grieve of what you thought should have been. And then allow God to heal and mend your heart and lead you in this season. He knows every fiber being of your child. He created them. Not mistakenly but to bring His glory onto others. Shift your gaze off the “it should have been” and embrace the “God is doing” gaze.
For God never stops working. Rely on Him and trust in His timing. For He is forever good, forever trustworthy, forever to be praised.