The Journaling of Kayla’s Birth Story

I have my coffee in one hand and the bible in the other, with worship music softly playing as everyone in the house is asleep. I felt the need to begin this writing and finish it upon her arrival. I actually began writing her story to come in June.

The Back Story

I remember being “absent” from Facebook for awhile. Instagram included. It was a season the Lord had me in, pulling me away from social media to be more in Him. In January I remember posting a short snippet of how the Lord told me not once, not twice, but three times, “the enemy has to pay back all that he stole.”

I didn’t quite understand what that meant. I didn’t know because I never heard it. During our times of suffering with our boys and the pregnancy, the Lord had me reading the Book of Job. I knew of it as I read it on and off. But then after the boy’s birth and forward, He led me back in Job. I was in Job for what felt like years. I actually recently finished it about two months ago! (again this piece was written in June we are now in August). He had me there, camping in Job, for quite some time. To show me more on suffering, Sacred Suffering, and how God is divinely intertwined in it all.

Back to January. As I began studying the scripture in the story of Job, that is when the Lord spoke to me those words. I questioned. I pondered. I wondered if it was even biblical. I asked in my mind, “is this biblical? Is this from the Lord?”

Then I heard the gentle firm whisper of the Holy Spirit saying, “The enemy has to pay back all that he stole, double fold, hundred fold, for it is God’s law!”

To say my mouth dropped… yes, yes it did. I then continued my reading and deeper bible study in Job. I then began reflecting back on that year prior, 2023, of all the tears and grief, the mourning I had shed because I felt everything was robbed from us. I won’t go into detail here since I already wrote a blog post on it. You can read further on the El Roi— The God Who Sees and God Our Restorer blog posts.

But then, it was later that day, something hit me. “Wait a second, am I???”

I went to the clinic and sure enough, 5 weeks pregnant. I had zero clue! No clue at all. I probably would have known later since later on I started to feel icky and sick, morning sickness hit hard with this one like it did my twins. Right there I said, “Lord is this what you were referring too? Holy Moly!”

I found myself in tears. It wasn’t tears of joy, but tears of fear. I was frightened because of all we walked and endured through with our boys, I did not want another repeat.
BUT GOD PROMISED it wouldn’t.

But that fear from the trauma we endured… it lingered for months. Tears I would shed because of it. Even my girls cried in fear when we told them. I remember them all saying, “mom no, we don’t want you going through what you went through. I’m scared.” Every one of their sweet precious faces all crying.

And it was right there in that moment, as we all gathered around the table having dinner together with us all shedding tears, I felt like God was helping me in that second to reassure them this: “I know. I know you are afraid. I am too. I’m so afraid. But we have to trust God that He is for us and will take care of mommy and the baby. Look at your brothers now, they are doing so good. God was faithful then, He will be faithful now, always.”

I wiped their tears, hugged them, and we prayed to Abba Father for fear to leave permanently.

But did it leave? For me, no it didn’t. I wrestled with spiritual warfare once again in this pregnancy. I would see some things happening to my body that would make me panic and cry thinking the worst scenarios. I even had a recent hospital visit to Labor & Delivery (this was in June, you can read what was on my heart that night on the bed here). She reassured me I wasn’t dilating, contracting, yes, but not dilating and everything looks great.

In my heart I knew it. But my mind was swirling with “no not again please Lord!” Being 27 weeks in the Labor and Delivery room had me remembering when I delivered my boys at 27 weeks… it left me so paranoid.

To some of you it sounds silly, maybe easy for you to think, “oh come on Nicole. Pull through it.” But when you are in the battle… when you are in the wilderness and the thicket of your grief still from what you encountered along with being healed from the trauma… you will know where I am coming from. But until then…. you won’t know.

Everything was and is great with her. She is growing mightily in strength. I reflected back on the vision the Lord gave me back in April. I mentioned on the blog post before how the Lord gave me a beautiful vision to hold onto… well now I can share here. It was of her. We were at the hospital and she was born. She came right into my arms and I held her. Her hair so soft and beautiful, her radiant smile so gentle and sweet, her glow and cheeks, all snuggled up in her blanket and in my arms. Both baby and I were good. Her presence was like a meadow, a wildflower meadow filled with peace, brightness, and completion. Quiet was her spirit and gentle was within. It was as if God was showing me, “this is your restoration year from all what was lost and stolen prior.”

I held onto this vision and dream each time fear tried to grip me tightly. It was a reminder for me that God is faithful. The same way He was faithful with the boys, He is still faithful now.

July Entry

We enter in July and it begins to be the hottest few days that my 29 week bump can’t handle. Why must it always seem it’s 1,000 degrees hotter being pregnant than what it actually is. We had our second Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment last week and it was very unexpected. A new doctor I never seen before walked in. First thing I thought was, “okay Dr Dunn must’ve had her baby so this lady is filling in for her.” She then began to tell me she had some concerns.

“Concerns? What do you mean?”

“Your baby’s growth seems restricted and I am concerned. I just hope she stays in longer. Are you getting enough protein? She seems petite.”

My mind began to race with thoughts not very godly if I am being honest. I held my tongue because I knew.. I just knew what I was coming up against. I did tell her I was not concerned not one bit. Actually the RN struggled to measure her because of the position she was in and her moving so much. I mean, this is what the RN told me how she couldn’t get the right measurements because of her position and movements. I also did mention I won’t need to come back because she will not be born early but rather, she is taken care of and me too.

I got up, grabbed my purse, and walked out. I did not want to hear anymore of the negative things she had to say because my Spirit knew what was behind this. It was an agenda to bring fear into me leaving me to doubt of Gods faithful promises he gave. But I didnt agree and instead rebuked it.

I wasn’t rude. I wasn’t ugly. I wasn’t mean. Instead I already knew because I heard this before with my boys. But the difference? God told me we would endure the NICU with them. He didn’t tell me we would endure it with our sweet precious baby girl but instead it would be redeemed. I simply needed to trust His Word. His promise. And that is all I had to hold onto.

This week will mark being 30 weeks, on top of moving to our new place, I can’t help but be in so much gratitude for the regular OBGYN appointment today of my Dr reassuring me she is healthy and I am too. I knew… without a doubt, I knew Abba Father is here with me too reminding me to stand firm and strong in His promise.

August— The redemption gift

We now enter in August and two trips to the L&D were made. False alarms of labor. Contractions grew and dilation began. There I was fighting against fear once again. It was too early for her arrival and each day she stayed in counted for less time in the NICU.

I continued to recite the promise and truth God spoke to me. I even continued to share with Him my fear and worries. That is the wonderful thing about Abba Father. We come to Him with it all. We don’t have to hide it or pretend it isn’t there. Instead we share it with Him and He comforts us through what we face. He heals our hearts and minds. The other day I had this reassurance from my brother, “God already told you no NICU stay so stand on it and believe it.”

Goodness how much wavering it was in that time. Why did I waver and be tossed like the wind? I felt a back and forth in that time. Why? Because again, as I felt this with the boys, I tried to control the scenario of not letting her come until the “certain time.” But I needed to let that go. I am not Sovereign. God is. And what He promises will come, what He speaks to come, WILL COME. He is true to what He says.

There was a ton of tears, daily surrender to the Lord, constant running to Him, with everything I had in me. I sought the Lord every time. Though He was silent, I knew He was near.

Then the day came where I felt a prompting to open up my old finished journal and flipping it open to April. I began searching…. I searched through each page and there it was. The dream of our sweet baby girl. The dream the Lord promised me we would come home with no NICU stay. The dream in very fine detail of how she looked and the atmosphere of what it carried. The Word the Lord spoke directly to me, showing me, He was in that place and will be.

The arrival

And it came to pass.

Our sweet Kayla Jane, Kayla in Hebrew meaning “Who is like God?” and Jane in Hebrew meaning “YHWH is merciful,” made her appearance. Right at 35 weeks and 2 days AND still able to come home! God!! Only God could have done this.

And only He could have downloaded her name within BOTH Leroy and I’s heart and mind at the SAME time in our room. It was pretty funny actually how that came about. But we knew… we just knew.

It has been a journey with her in the pregnancy, but if I am honest, it has built my faith even more. Deepened my relationship with Abba Father more. Being pregnant with her has taught me the value of slowing down and being steady in Him. It showed me the enjoyment of pregnancy and the beautiful days he allowed her to stay in my womb until it was her time of birth. The time He had chosen specifically for her. He showed me, in my pregnancy, the healing process of trauma and how important it is to be healed of it before the delivery of the promise.

He gives us a promise. And it will come to pass. But it never comes easy. A promise the Lord gives always has a sacrifice of dying to self. Dying to old habits. Dying to fear. Dying to trauma. Before the promise can come to fulfillment He wants to do heart work within us.

It isn’t that the Lord doesn’t want to give the promise. He wants us to be fully healed and delivered from whatever it is that is binding us before the birth and fulfillment of the promise.

He is faithful to keep His promises. His promises are a Yes and Amen, 2 Corinthians 1:20.

Walking this pregnancy, this promise, I have been able to see the redeeming act of God. He redeemed every stolen piece from our twin boys pregnancy, birth and afterward of every ambulance ride and helicopter ride. Every surgery and scary traumatic moments. He redeemed every part and more! He provided more than what I saw. And my heart… it’s in a place of gratitude and humbleness. Continued submission, on my knees, to my Lord. Not because of what He has given. For I am unworthy of what He has done. But because of who He is and me being able to taste and see the Lord’s goodness, promises kept, His redeeming act, and restoration that I am forever grateful for.

We were able to see the Lord’s providence through it all.

The presence in the delivery room was filled with peace of God that washed over me. I had no fear. It seemed too far off to even feel it was close. The meaning of wildflowers that I kept seeing around her was mellow. Pure calmness. The assurance that God was indeed there and in every moment of the delivery and in the room. As the Dr broke my water, I knew within the next hour she will be here. And it would be just as the Lord showed me. And indeed it was. The skin to skin immediately afterward that I never got to do with our boys. The immediate breastfeeding I was able to give while with the boys, I was never able to give the nursing that my heart desired to give. Her sleeping next to me in that baby crib in the room, it was definitely all the Lord. And the going home… what a gift it was.

Yes she may have been born “early” in the world’s eyes. But in God’s it was her perfect time. God’s timing and the worlds timing are not the same and that is what He has shown me too. At 35 weeks and 2 days of her being born, her being here with us at home for a week, we all have been so smitten over her and thanking God everyday for the gift He had given. All of this… it was all God. He gets all the glory and honor and praise. Because once again, He did it again. And our family is humbly and eternally grateful.

A beautiful redeeming pregnancy and birth that we forever cherish.

No matter what you are facing, no matter what the world says, no matter if others have strong opinions… trust God anyway. The world may see you as crazy or hard to believe, but with God on our side, all things are possible. Nothing is too big for God. And it indeed is biblical that God can restore and redeem all what was stolen, when you are a child of God.