Trusting God’s Sovereignty
“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-10
“The Lord is my shepherd
And He is everything I need
So, I will not worry
I will not fear the enemy
He said that He loves me
He said that He’s with me even though
I walk through the valley
Of shadow and death and still I know
He has good plans
He has good plans for me
So, I will take heart
In deserts and gardens.”
– Good Plans by Red Rocks Worship
I sit here in this hotel room, at the desk it has with the shades open viewing the beautiful rain and storm that came through. A family gathering I won’t, or none of us, will forget. We didn’t see this coming. We didn’t expect this coming. What I thought was just my son feeling hot from the weather ended up being a flight needing to happen and surgery immediately needing to be done. (I wrote this short paragraph at the hotel while facing a situation we didn’t see coming.)
My heart suddenly sank in desperation from the Lord to come sweep through. My heart that sank to the pit of my stomach and thoughts of, “again, why again Lord” sweeping through. Seeing my son in pain with a mother and father feeling helpless in such a situation. Having to leave my other children and his twin brother behind at my dads with my family all for us to encounter yet another storm.
I held it all together seeing my husband break. I had to. There was no way two parents can break with not one in strength. But I will be honest, I didn’t have strength. It was the Lord carrying me through. He held me close and tightly. He swept me up and embraced this mama, even when I couldn’t hold myself together.
We fought in that room for Dr’s to hurry up and get what needed to be done.
As our sons parents, we knew what needed to be done. We knew the signs of a shunt malfunction. We had to advocate for a quick scan and us to see it. We mentioned how his neurosurgeon showed us what to look for. And in all honesty, we been through it so we knew the signs. Though these signs were a bit different, we now know.
“Why didn’t you just make the drive to Fort Worth? Why did you come here?”
Hearing the Dr mention these words left me in shock. “Did he just say that? How could a Dr say such thing? How could they not be so compassionate in how its said?” It’s what I thought. Though I said no words at the time, I did mention to him what needed to be done. We knew. Both my husband and I.
I look over towards my husband in tears, in shaking, in fear once again. Both of us being reminded of all that we faced and went through. Such a helpless situation we felt in a time where our son is in desperate need of help.
It was there I realized, we cannot count on Dr’s or even rely on Dr’s. It is the Lord we rely and count on for everything. Yes he has given us such people to be his tools, but ultimately it is HIM we fully rely on. Is it hard? Why yes. Human nature wants us to run to a physical person for immediate assistance. But even they fail.
Shannon Hospital was probably the worst experience we encountered. But they flew him and my husband out to Fort Worth where our sweet boy was needed.
But before they flew him out I went to my dads to grab some food for my husband to eat and his clothes to take. I sat in the car and quickly tears began to flood through. I tried to hold them back but I couldn’t.
“God why us? Again? I do trust you. I do. I just hate seeing my son walk these walks. He’s so little and innocent. He’s just a baby. I can’t take this much anymore. God you know I love you so so much. You know that. But I am so mad at you for allowing this to happen. It hurts so much. It hurts terribly. Why must it hurt so bad? Where are you God?”
Deserted is how I felt. I wept bitterly while driving.
“See God, my mom isn’t even here and we don’t have that relationship so she could hug me while I cry. I just want a hug.”
All the words I spilled to God on the way to my dads. An Easter celebration that quickly turned upside down. While on the way I heard, “steadfast.” It was one of the words the Lord told me a week ago to hold tight to. And suddenly a light bulb appeared and I knew… “Lord this is where I stand steadfast. Steadfast in what we face and knowing you are steadfast. I know you are. You never change. You have been so faithful to us even before even when the Dr’s told us to say goodbye to Matthew and I said NO. I was firm. I stood firm. I stood true to your character. I do trust you God I just am hurting so much right now. Everything we go through is for good. You waste nothing Lord. Nothing. I just need you Jesus. I need you.”
Then I heard, “Crushed and perplexed.” I asked the Lord, “wait isn’t that a verse?”
But that is how I felt. Asking Him why we have to face this and how I felt crushed, poked, hurt. I felt betrayed like Jesus, abandoned like Jesus (even though I know I wasn’t it was just the feeling of it) and I felt so darn weak. So weak that I didn’t think I could be strong in this. Yet God showed me I can get through this hurdle.
I pulled up at my dads, went straight to the room because I didn’t want anyone to see that I wept and eyes puffed up. I grabbed Leroy’s things and then my dad walked in. I puffed up holding on to the little strength I had left, or so I thought, and when he asked, “what’s going on, is everything okay? You can talk to me.” Immediately I wept terribly. I told him how it felt so unfair that we always have to walk such hardships and it feels so lonely. I shared how I hate seeing him hurt, my son. I did let him know they were flying him out immediately and I was taking Leroy’s things so he can fly with him and I will home to Abilene and to grab some things and then drive up to Fort Worth.
Then right there he hugged me. I knew…. I just knew…. God heard me. He knew I needed a hug. A big fat deep holding close hug so I can just fall and be embraced. It was something my heart cried and needed.
My sister walked in and she began to hug me, listen to me, see the pain and hurt. Her reassurance of the Word of God was deeply impacted.
Then my dad’s significant other came with me to head back to the hospital to send off my husband and son. Just sharing with her my heart and her listening, seeing her next to me reassuring me she is here for me, and giving me a hug that I needed…. I knew God heard every cry of mine. How could he not?
I didn’t realize how prideful I was until the Lord broke me in that moment. Prideful of not willing to show my brokenness to anyone. But God quickly showed me that pride will fall and I will break. Not because he enjoys it but to show me that I am human. I am not superhuman. That I hurt too and need embracing just as much as anyone else whether they show it or not.
He showed me His sovereignty once again. Letting go and surrendering.
You know I would always hear “let go and let God.” Well a lot of the times this is taken out of context. And the Lord showed me that too. Letting go is surrendering and submitting to His will even if it’s painful. Jesus submitted to the Father’s will and did the Father’s will. It hurt Jesus too. So deeply. Yet He went through with it because of His love for us! It isn’t saying “okay I will let go and continue on with my day and not fight.” No. We fight in prayer and in Worship. We fight in submitting to His plan. His good good plan. We let go of our hurts. We let go of the burdens. We let go of the worries, anxieties, fear and unknowns to the Lord and lay it at his feet. We let go to Him knowing He is Sovereign over the situation. He is very much close and longs for our hearts to draw near.
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore,” Psalm 16:11
With every trial there is triumph. With every storm there is a purpose. With every pain and hurt there is healing. With every sorrow there is joy. Our view of life’s hardships and trials are just that. To experience the bountiful presence of the Lord and tasting his tangible presence and glory.
In this place we encountered the other day, I learned more of Christ and His glory. I’ve learned that Gods Sovereignty is good even if the circumstance doesn’t feel good. I also learned that God gives both of us parents the strength to get through. And what I am referring to is, where one parent is weak, God will strengthen the other to help the other parent be held up. Much like Moses who needed Aron and Hur. He needed help for his shoulders to stay lifted. We need our spouse to help lift us up to the Lord when we can’t. To look up and see the beauty of the Lord in a hard situation.
I didn’t want to see my son in surgery again. But I knew it was needed. My gut was telling me. I think it was the Lord telling me but even us mamas gut are strong knowing what needs to be advocated for.
And our son did undergo surgery for a replacement on his shunt. It malfunctioned and broke. So this is what caused pain in his head along with other symptoms.
Both my husband and I felt guilt coming through such as, “I wish we would’ve known but this time it was so different.”
But right there I felt the Lord reassuring me, even him placing it upon my heart, to help educate other parents, even hospital staff’s, to know more of shunt malfunctions and what to look for. The hospital we went to, the Dr mentioned out of all their years of practice they never had anyone go in with a shunt. Well, we happened to be their first. It was in that moment I felt the Lord telling me that both my husband and I need to advocate for our children, and others, who have shunts.
We may have gone through this once, but it wasn’t the same. It happened more suddenly and this time it was completely broken. That was the scary part. And heartbreaking.
The Lord was teaching me something new. When we encounter such storms that seem similar to our past ones, it can bring fear and trauma through. Afraid to walk such things again. Afraid to let go of the situation. Afraid to admit it hurts. Afraid to even talk about it because of what others may say.
But in this… God showed me that my family was able to see firsthand what we walked through the previous times before. How our children were quick to understand and helped packed. How we made the drive back to Abilene, unpacked to repack, quickly ate lunch, fed our dogs and chickens, loaded up and drove to Fort Worth. But seeing the sweet smiles of our sweet boy after surgery once he heard our voices, my heart melted and tears ran down. Thankful and in full gratitude of the Lord and his sustaining hand once again in all of this. For my older children to understand and be quick to get things done. To help unload at the hotel and load again. Not one argument or fight but all of us in sorrow of walking this place again.
God is Sovereign. Everything, and I mean everything, is in his hands. Nothing slips out of his hands. Just because we follow Christ does not mean life will be easy. Nor does it mean we will encounter storms and trials every time. He will protect us from harm. He will guide us and strengthen us to get through. He will always always always show us something new. Christ was never saved from such sufferings. Neither will we. It’s the very reason it is called the narrow road because only few will follow this road. Its hard. Its tough. Its sorrowful. Yet it’s joy-filled, its hope-filled, its faith filled, its eternal, it’s full of riches and blessings from the Lord.
God’s Sovereignty is also another way of showing us we are nothing without Him and can do nothing without Him. That our strength comes from Him and Him alone. It’s His way of saying to fall into His arms in our weakness so He can show us more of who He is and what He is capable of doing.
What I face now is worth facing knowing my eternal reward is in heaven. Though it hurts, though its painful, I see it through the eyes of my Savior, looking up ahead knowing the glory and reward is upward in my Savior Jesus Christ.
He has shown me, actually answered me when I asked him why must we face these places. Comfort. “who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” 2 Corinthains 1:4-5
It’s to experience the magnitude of His comfort and where we can comfort others because we know the valleys of such darkness, deserted-ness, loneliness, medical trenches, healing, his presence and more. How then could I comfort others in their afflictions if I never walked such hardships? I can’t. And it isn’t because of me but all of Christ. I am just his willing vessel willing to be used for the glory of God bringing heaven to earth and making His name known in all the earth. I forever will proclaim his name through the earth and all that He has done and is doing in my family.
Though this was an unexpected storm that hit, I saw more of His sovereignty than I ever did in my lifetime. Yes I may have experienced it in the NICU and PICU, but this time, I felt more of it. And I see…. I saw… each time we encountered such seasons and hardships, someone…. someone was touched by the blood of Jesus. And that my friend is worth going through if someone gets touched by Jesus.
Abba Father was my comfort in this time. As He is always. He showed me He comforts me in my afflictions, hardships, sorrows and hears every cry, petition and prayer. He never turns away nor looks away but bends down to listen and heals the brokenhearted. It’s the life of a follower of Christ. Not out of perfection, but Jesus, who is our perfecter, who perfects us in every way through our whole lifetime. He grabs a hold of us as his sheep and cares for us.
He reminds us how faithful he was before and still is to this day. We just need to trust God’s Sovereignty. And by doing that we need to submit to his will, surrender our plan, release and allow Him to do whatever he needs in us in those times. We need to be reminded on His character and the times He was faithful before. If He was faithful then He will be faithful now. It’s who He is.
If you are encountering a hard journey, I want you to know this dear friend… He is faithful. He truly is. And He can be trusted in all circumstances. Though you look around and see some Christians not walking such hardships or sufferings, though it feels unfair walking these places knowing you’ve been obedient to Christ in all that He tells you to do, know there is good to come out of this. Even if it doesn’t feel good, there always is good in it. Ask Christ to shift your eyes off the circumstance and onto Him. Search his character. Seek Him in the storm. And share your burdens hurts and sorrows with Him. He isn’t afraid. He knows very much how you truly feel. He delights in us when we delight in Him. He delights in us when we are honest true and vulnerable to Him. He isn’t asking for you to pretend it doesn’t hurt. He is asking for you to release it all to Him.
All to Him we owe. Our praise. Our worship. Our love and adoration. He deserves it all because He is worthy of us all.