Cultivating Friendships
I remember the day so vividly as if it were yesterday. The day I saw those words and my heart fell into what felt like a million pieces. Shattered!
I had just found out I was pregnant with my first child about two weeks prior to seeing that text.
The weekend came and I was getting ready to take a walk down the river near the park just to clear some air and speak about what our next steps would be. And then I heard the phone go off, only to pick it up to answer since He wasn’t there. And there it was, the text. I felt a sudden rush of heat flow through my body. An ache that ran through my bones. I felt numb to the core.
How could someone I entrusted everything too, the closest one who knew all my secrets and laughs, sleepovers and hangouts, birthday parties and late night outs, who felt like a sister to me…… one of my very best friends. How? Why? Was all I could say.
“As you drive me home I am sitting in the passenger seat wishing I can just kiss your lips. Can I reach over and kiss them?”
Then I read the next box. “Why don’t you just leave her and the baby and we can make a family.”
I never understood why. I never received an honest answer just one lie after another. I never heard an apology.
It was then… right then… I knew to never trust another friend again. To never get close to someone again. To never allow those buried feelings resurface.
How many of you can say you never got hurt by a trusted friend? Maybe your best friend?
How many of you can say you never hurt a friend?
How many of you are in a season where you want those meaningful friendships? The very ones who are there for you and listen to you and hug you in the good bad and ugly parts? The one’s who you can open up to but struggle with trust?
Let me begin by saying I am not the perfect person, I have hurt people before unintentionally. Either by words or by actions. By God’s grace He has been gentle enough to convict me and correct me in my wrongs. He has shown me how to be the very friend we need in this life. What I can say is God has shown me a lot in those hurt moments and I want to share with you.
He taught me trust Him in the leading as he brings friends into my life.
In those seasons of pain and hurt, the wall of broken trust must come down much like the walls of Jericho. (Joshua 6).
To forgive regardless of the circumstance. Forgiveness is for us, to be set free and not enslaved to bitterness or a root of anger.
To love even when it hurts.
Though in that time and throughout the years, it painfully hurt, I wasn’t ever the same. God began pruning not only in me but in those around me. He had to remove toxic friendships that were no longer serving well or helping me grow more to Christ or even point me to Him. He was making room for more of Him and those He will add in my life. But first…. cultivation and pruning had to be done.
Friend, nobody is perfect. Jesus was and is the only one who is perfect that walked this earth. We somehow tend to try and find these perfect friends that we imagine in our minds or get off Pinterest. But can I say something friend. We all have our “stuff” and go through “stuff” that we are trying to get by. We can’t expect to go out and look for perfect friends. Because there is just no such thing. If we go out and try to find perfect friends, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. But we can go out and find the very friends we need in our moment. We can begin to trust in our Lord and Savior knowing exactly who we will need in our life. We can follow where he guides us because he never disappoints us. We can begin to have him prune us, cultivate us, tear any walls down to be open and ready for new blossoming friendships. Ones who will be there for us no matter the time or day. The ones who know godly boundaries and who walk closely with the Lord.
We can go out and be that very friend we need ourselves.
After years of keeping to myself not allowing anyone in, I finally opened up to God and asked Him to help me find people I need in my life. And He did just that. He provided. Like manna, when the Lord provided to His children in Exodus 16 while they were in the wilderness. He always provides friend, always. He is Jehovah-Jireh.
But first I needed to lean into Him and put Him first as my Father and friend. I then needed to have cultivation in my life. He needed to show me how to become that friend, how to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry James 1:19. He began to show me how to have a godly friendship with others. How to be intentional with them and be there for them. To love the way Christ loves. To serve wholeheartedly.
Friend, I know it is hard to get out there and make friends. Especially if you have been painfully wrongfully hurt. In case you never heard it, I will be the one to tell you sorry friend, that you have been hurt, but I promise you, God is the very friend you need right now.
You don’t have to hold onto the unforgiveness because all that does is leave the door wide open for the enemy to crawl in and destroy. You don’t need to fix the problem, simply run to the problem fixer. You don’t need to pretend it didn’t hurt, come to christ and cry as much as you need to begin to heal. Are you ready friend? To have meaningful friendships in your life, to accept all what Jesus has in store for you?
Here are some questions to ponder on
- Have you been hurt by a friend?
- Have you hurt a friend (whether internally or unintentionally)?
- What circumstance can you not seem forgive?
- How is this affecting your current life and friendships?
- What are your circle of friends like right now? (Encouraging, life speaking, truth telling, have your back, point you to Christ, fight battles with you, toxic, ungodly, leading you astray, etc.)
- What can you change in yourself right now to become a better godly friend?
- Have you asked for forgiveness to our Father and the other party?
Now take them to the cross and sit with Jesus. I don’t care how long it takes, because quite frankly there is no time limit on this. Allow Jesus to come in and sweep on through you.
Pray this prayer with me friend (feel free to revamp words to your fitting)
Abba Father,
I thank you for being the very papa and friend I need. For being there in times of need. You know all my secrets, you know all my hurts and failures, you even know the times I hurt others. Forgive me for hurting others, and help me to become better, a better friend to others than what I was before. I admit, I hurt and don’t trust making new friends. The hurt and pain are still there and I need you to come and make me whole again. Heal the wound and soften the pain to where I can understand others who go through the same/similar situations as I did. As you remove toxic friends I ask that you replace them with Godly Women who fear your name in reverence and in awe, leading me to be more drawn to you. I thank you for the friends you are putting along my path and the very ones who will stick close to me closer than a brother. Most of all, I thank you for being that very best friend who never leaves my side, always. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Prayerful Tips on Godly Friendships
- First and foremost, come to the Father. Let Him know your past hurts and trust issues. Although He knows it, he wants to hear it from you.
- Forgive the other party, truly forgive.
- Forgive yourself if you have hurt someone and ask our Father for forgiveness.
- Pray for the friends He is bringing into your life. Pray they are ones who lead you to Christ, and who stick closer than a brother. Pray verses into the future friendships.
- Always pray for them and pray protection over the friendship.
- Serve wholeheartedly without wanting anything in return.
- Be an ear to listen.
- Be honest about how you feel in a kind manner.
- Be patient as it takes time to build.
- Allow God to work in you both and show you both what the friendship will look like.
- Make time for each other to have coffee and chat, to hang out without any agenda.
- And here is an important one… Be the friend you need.
Verses to Pray for Godly Friendships
- Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice. Proverbs 27:9 NIV
- A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17 ESV
- Some friendships don’t last for long, but there is one loving friend who is joined to your heart closer than any other! Proverbs 18:24 The Passion Translation
- Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 ESV
- Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another is any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13-13 NIV
- Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 1 Peter 4:9 NIV
- A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dies up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 NIV
- Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companions of fools will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20 ESV
Until Next Time,
Solus Christus (In Christ Alone)
Nicole L.
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