Not A Beautiful Story, But A Story from Messy to Whole

This isn’t you’re normal, beautiful story that sounds like a fairy tale. In fact this isn’t just any story. It is my story from Messy to Whole. A story of Brokenness to being made Whole. A place from where I was to where I am now. A story of who I was and who I am now. A story of the real, the raw, and the ugly.

I have to admit, this isn’t, and wasn’t easy, trying to piece this story together. A story that I just couldn’t seem to gather because of the pain it caused me. But I wanted to share to bring hope and encouragement to others, seeing how Jesus can heal the brokenhearted, forgive the one who felt unworthy to be forgiven, to piece your life back together in ways you never thought could happen.

Be warned. It is messy. It is real. It is a story of where I felt broken, shame, guilt, neglected and rejected. A story of living in the blame.

As a young teen mom I walked through the hardest of hardships. I struggled being a single mom. Beforehand, I thought it was all roses and sunshine. I thought it was so perfect and well put together. I thought like any other girl would think “one happy family that will walk walks down the neighborhood and take family vacations and have happy smiling photos all over the walls.”

But it wasn’t.

I felt belittled. I felt insecure. Unloved. Overlooked. I felt like the most “dumbest” young mom ever to stay. I hated the name calling, the bashing, the changing me into someone that I hated deep inside.

I was dying inside.

I kept being told to leave more times than I can count, I was told “how stupid can you be” more times than I can count, I was even told “well what are you doing to make him be that way?”

I still didn’t leave. For a while. I thought it would get better.
But it never did.

I hated to think I would be one of those moms who had no family together, who was walking around with her and her child all “alone” as the world puts it, and I would be the one to blame for it. I didn’t want that future for her or myself. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Now was I perfect in the relationship? Of course not. I fell down more times than I can count. But more times than not, I cried and stayed silent. I left the first time I had seen texts in his phone saying “just leave her I don’t see what you see in her. I’m sitting next to you and I see your lips. Can I lean over and kiss you, I just cant stop staring at your lips.” My very best friend texting him wanting him to leave me and the baby while they can make a family. A text that a girl read only for her heart to shatter and break into a million pieces because the two people she loved and trusted, hurt her, and broke her trust.

I felt dark clouds covering me while I was holding and rubbing my belly. Thinking “how can this be? What must I have done to deserve this? It’s all my fault for not being good enough. Why me? Why?”

Jesus felt so hurt and broken when he was rejected by Peter too. Not once. Not twice. But three times. Oh how my heart for Jesus. When he saw those moments. But how gracious, loving and forgiving he was too! Jesus, too, experienced the deep pain of rejection and of accusation in human form.

When my daughter was barely 2 months old, one night, he threw the nastiest rage I ever did see. Upset that she was crying so much. Upset that I wasn’t doing things right. Upset that I was upset with him seeing porn on my computer. Upset that I received a text from an ex from years ago. Now nothing was going on, it wasn’t right for me to have had a conversation, I simply was asking him how can I get things right, how could I have messed up to be treated this way, etc. Again, no excuse, I just had zero clue what to do at this point.

It got ugly. He punched the walls, the bathroom door where I tried to sit and cry, lots of yelling, cussing and name calling. It was the most terrifying night of my life.

He took my phone, hid my keys, what was I to do? While he was showering, I grabbed the baby, wrapped her in blankets, and went upstairs banging on the door for them to open up. Crying for help.

No one answered. It was late anyway, around 12am.

I was shaking as I heard him yell my name out the door, I was shaking when I saw him run upstairs towards me. I was scared when I felt him push me towards downstairs with the baby in my arms. What is next?

I cried. He screamed. I apologized. And I kept quiet ever since. Never said anything to anyone and never hung out with anyone. Just trying to get through life. Trying to please him while pleasing myself and getting through everyday. I tried making our life seem perfect, but it was far from it. It was hidden…

Things happened yet again.

I left, came back, left again with another occurrence, came back, left again and… you get the picture.

Until one day it just wasn’t so.

I remember waking up one day looking at my daughter (who was 3) and how I was. I remember that day like it was yesterday, but it wasn’t, it was Y E A R S ago.

We had gone to a restaurant to celebrate his birthday, at the very restaurant I seemed I couldn’t ever walk in again. It was close to 8pm at night and we had to rush to the house to beat the probation officer’s phone call. He didn’t have the key and neither did I. I remember sitting in the car crying because he was angry with me as if it was my fault. I watched him try to break into his own house because the phone was about to ring. Something told me to get my credit card and slide it through. But I didn’t want to. Hearing him yell, hit and kick the front hood of my car, the words and slang he was saying to me just made me mad and hurt. I remember looking back seeing my daughter in her carseat sound asleep, telling myself “I can’t do this anymore. Nothing has changed. I don’t want this for my life or my daughter.”

As I reached for my wallet and grabbed the credit card, I slid it through the doorway and it opened. Honestly I have zero clue how that happened, I just remember freaking out it even worked. I never knew that it would, I just had felt the need to try it.

He ran inside to answer the call since it was ringing while we were trying to open the door…

Still sitting in the car hoping nothing would happen next…

I was barely knowing who God was, barely understanding the Bible, and barely learning how to pray. It was then I felt used. I felt useless. I felt the need to just stop and not look back.

So I did.

For years I was filled with brokenness, trust and hidden things inside. I didn’t want to share what happened because I felt guilty for even allowing it to happen, ashamed for being the mom who stayed and than being a single mom who left and needed help. I felt insecure for the things he spoke over me. I felt unloved knowing I wasn’t the only one in his life. I felt overlooked as if nobody cared what really was going on inside of me. I felt all around broken in every area of my life.

But God.

He restored me. Redeemed me. He brought me to a new place that I still to this day can’t thank him enough for.

I remember walking into church one day and a lady came up to me full of smiles and hugs. She literally lit up the room. But because of what had been done to me many times, I had this wall, this alert that would go off when someone would get too close. It would sound something like this “Alert! Alert! Back Off! Don’t trust them they will do the same things as the others.”

Even after having a wall up she continued to follow what the Lord said. She never gave up on me and now, years later, she has been the friend, the best one, I have needed.

God showed me, not everyone is the same. Not every circumstance is the same. Give chances, stop holding onto the past, walk in the present and take a step towards the future of what he has for me.

Thinking of this, it reminds me of when Jesus continued to carry the cross, as hard as it was, the strength he needed, the friends that left him hanging, the beatings he took for us, I can’t help but see how he must have felt, the things he endured and encountered in it. But it didn’t stop him.

His love was and is so great he fulfilled His Father’s will because He loves us that much. His love was proven in action rather than words. He displayed His Love for us. For me. For you!

He taught and showed me to forgive. Even if it’s hard, hurtful, and painful…. to forgive still. What I didn’t see was holding onto the unforgiveness put a root of bitterness, anger, and hatred inside. It caused ugly roots within me that I desperately wanted to let go of.

It held me back from loving the man God gave me, my husband, because of what was taken root in me. He revealed to me where my heart was and how it came about. He showed me and exposed my heart in ways that was convicting, but in a gentle way.

As a loving father, he guides and he corrects. Even if we feel we must hang onto that hurt, or that unforgiveness thinking they deserve it, it’s not ours to hold onto. It must be surrendered and released to Him. We must allow Him to work in us and through us to be completely healed, restored, made new, and be made whole.

Holding onto unforgiveness, anger, or even hatred holds us captive allowing the enemy to do as he pleases with us.

He taught me to trust him. To rely on him. To depend on him. To know that with Him, everything is going to be okay! I struggled with trust, I struggled with dependance. I struggled with love. I wanted to love but couldn’t. Until he showed me that it isn’t on my doing, but his, I simply must allow him to do His Will within me.

And because of me allowing Him and choosing to let go of what needed to be gone, to make room for Him, things shifted. My life shifted. How I viewed my husband, my children, my life, people he placed in my life, My Heavenly Father, I was able to see differently. I was able to love how my Father loves. I was able to see through His eyes. And this, my friend, is where we want to be. Having the eyes to see how He sees, the heart that loves as he loves, and the grace to extend to others as the grace that was given to us.

I never realized how broken I was. I didn’t realize how messy my life was. I didn’t see how my hurt and my pain caused other things to take root inside of me. I didn’t see walls that were built.

But God.

He showed me what needed to be gone. And I am thankful for that.

I didn’t want to write this story but I felt it needed to be shared. I felt for the other moms who are struggling with this, they too, can have encouragement. They too, can know that God can deliver them from anything. They too, can know that God meets you right there in your pain. He too, can restore what was taken. He, too, knows what you are struggling with. He, too, can redeem your life and pull you out of the dark clouds. He, too, can reveal himself to you in mighty magnificent ways.

He can show you your true identity.
He can show you more of him.
He can heal your wounds.
He can restore your broken heart.
He can help you forgive what seems impossible to forgive.
He can show you that you are safe with Him.
He can comfort you.
He can make you whole.
He can and will take you to the promised land.

Without our Heavenly Father, we are just breathing without life.

With our Heavenly Father we are living and breathing life.

How can we move forward in life? How can we love again? How can we trust once trust was broken? How can we trust God with our hurts and brokenness?
I’ll be sharing more on the next blog post, next Thursday, of how God brought me through and what steps you can take too.

But for now sweet friend, be encouraged! And know that our Father is a good good Father who never leaves his children, never forsakes, abounding in love and full of grace and mercy. He can bring a messy life into a whole life.

He can restore just about anything. NOTHING is impossible with God.

knitted with grace